Rio de Janeiro (Odyssey)- [Breaking News Update, 9:15 pm Thursday, March 18th]
Usain Bolt, currently recognized as fastest man in the world, shattered the world record for longest victory celebration last night following his 200-meter race. Bolt completed the distance in only 19.78 seconds, but even that remarkable time wasn’t what caught the attention of viewers and attendees at the track and field event. Bolt’s time for celebrating his personal victory shocked the world as audiences from all nations watched the Jamaican athlete round the track nearly 20 times while gathering applause for his accomplishment, ending only when he secured the record with a final time of 2 hours and 17 minutes.
Olympic authorities have yet to release finalized results to the public, as recent details and witnesses have raised suspicions about the accuracy, and even existence, of the official duration of Bolt’s celebration. Very scientific sources have hypothesized that the highly accurate and trained professionals of the Olympic authorities were likely distracted, even mesmerized, by the single beam of sparkling golden light that was reportedly shed from the sky following Bolt’s finish. However, a comprehensive survey conducted of the audience following the historical event, reports that the average audience member felt as though the celebration lasted 2 hours and 17 minutes.
For perspective, the following chart demonstrates the celebration time of other notable Olympic athletes currently competing in Rio. Bolt’s time far out runs the rest.
Katie Ledecky 1:02:33
Kerri Walsh-Jennings/ April Ross 1:56:47
Simone Biles 3:36:40
Aly Raismen 4:44:03
Michael Phelps 7:51:44
Usain Bolt 2:17:00:00
Zac Efron, who was lucky enough to be on the scene when Bolt destroyed the record, commented on the event, “I’m grateful to the Today Show for asking me to come to Rio this week. The Final Five performed well, and I enjoyed watching them, but nothing is quite comparable to what Bolt achieved last night. The entire experience felt deeply spiritual. I could’ve watched that man wave and bow for days, although I know the strength it must’ve taken to manage what he did. And, my God, does that dude have a body.”
Television programs scheduled to broadcast after the Olympics were all canceled or severely delayed by Bolt’s lengthy celebration. Some channels voluntarily gave up air space to allow for Bolt to be broadcasted to the world out of respect and admiration.
Though the stars of the Olympics track and field demonstrate strong qualities, as Alison Felix, the United States relay team, and Ashton Eaton managed victories yesterday evening, none of them are comparable to the undeniable drive and competitiveness that kept Usain Bolt celebrating and dabbing all the way to his gold.
Bolt told media on the scene that it was his father’s pride and mother’s narcissistic tendencies that kept him chest pumping and touchdown dancing through the pain, and felt the energy of them both when rounding the track for more cheers.
Today, Bolt tells reporters he’ll be resting to make up for his exertion, but hopes to possibly attend women’s diving later this week.
[Satirical piece. All information included may not be accurate or true.]
