Types Of Coffee Drinkers Funny

6 Different Types Of Coffee Drinkers I Love To Laugh At And Make Fun Of

People should get a coffee permit before drinking this dangerous beverage or better yet, not drink it at all.


I have a lot of problems in my life that keep me tossing and turning at night. There are things in this world I wonder about and unsolved questions that I might never know the answers to. But the biggest thing that keeps me awake is coffee.

There are just too many things I don't understand about coffee. Why do people like it? Who decided to grind up beans and make their own soup one day? Why does coffee even exist?

But I guess everything has its beauty in it. Coffee is not completely useless. I think its beauty comes from the people who drink it. So after some time observing these specimens, I have pinpointed six that I find particularly laughable.

1. Teenagers

All teenagers struggle with their self-esteem at some point. Perhaps they don't have confidence in their abilities, their intelligence, their looks or their popularity. Many inspirational speeches telling them to "believe in themselves" clearly aren't working either. In a world riddled with self-doubt and loathing, what could be a solution to this growing problem?

I present: the coffee cup.

Hand any teenager a decaf latte and watch their confidence skyrocket. Watch them prance and strut around the mall flaunting the fact that they have the quintessential symbol of adulthood in their hands. The kid who just begged their parents for $20 to spend on Starbucks suddenly becomes a model who has the maturity and responsibility to carry around a cup of coffee. Every Starbucks drink should have a disclaimer that says, "WARNING: this beverage contains a dose of narcissism higher than the recommended average."

2. People who buy coffee and bring it to school

I have one question for these people: why?

Okay, it's going to take me a while to run through the logistics of this.

For most people, school starts around 7 or 8 a.m. That means they have to wake up early and drive to their nearest cafe during rush hour to buy coffee they could've just made at home. They then have to wait in line and duke it out with angry people who have to go to work. Then, they take that coffee, which has probably already gotten cold, to school so they can show show all their friends. And while they all crowd around each other like a swarm of insects marveling at the glorious trophy that is the coffee cup, the person with coffee suddenly become the most popular icon in school because they showed up with a drink.

Well actually, they didn't become popular for nothing. Waking up early just to get a cup of coffee is hard work. But they can't reveal the sheer amount of effort it took to buy it. The statements have to be nonchalant or else it's not cool. It has to be something like, "Oh, I just felt like it this morning." Or, "This? I just stopped by a Starbucks to get it on the way to school."

Just remember: next time you want to improve your social status, try to "stop by" Starbucks.

3. Coffee addicts

I think my last two points have already covered the fact that coffee has become something of a bragging matter along with procrastination, staying up late and stress eating. But you can't just say, "I have a cup of coffee which makes me more mature and a better adult than you." Nooo way. You have to say it in a way that's subtle. A statement that lets everyone know you like coffee with an undertone of superiority.

You know what I'm talking about. Things like, "The only way I can study is in a nice cafe with a cup of coffee next to me." Or, "I'm so sorry. I have an addiction to coffee." Or, "Oh my gosh, like, I totally cannot function in the morning without a cup of coffee." Or, "I have got to get my daily caffeine fix."

First of all, who in their right mind intentionally goes out to study in a cafe when they could just stay at home?

And when did drug addiction become cool?

Actually, don't answer that.

Actually you can't since this is an article, and you'll be talking to your screen if you do.

4. Fakers

Whenever I see anyone drinking coffee, I can't tell whether they genuinely like it or if they force themselves to. To me, coffee tastes like sand and dirt mixed in with a handful of butts.

Then there are the people who say, "It's an acquired taste."

What's that supposed to mean? I think that phrase was invented by some person who wanted to eat things that weren't meant to be food. If you take a chunk of wood and say, "It's an acquired taste," the entire upper class is going to turn into beavers eating wood for fine dining.

You know the phrase "beauty is pain?" I'm pretty sure the people who first started drinking coffee had to say "coffee is pain" to force themselves to keep drinking it.

5. People who nonchalantly sip from the lid of the coffee cup

The standard coffee cup has a simple yet elegant design of a slightly cylindrical drink receptacle combined with a completely unnecessary cardboard sleeve thing. And that's pretty cool except for the lid.

The lid is the literal embodiment of everything that is wrong with humanity. It is the culmination of all of humanity's shortcomings packed into a little plastic circle with a tiny hole.

Yes, I get that it's supposed to keep drinks warm.

But when the liquid inside the cup is the same temperature as molten lava, is drinking out of a tiny hole in the lid that's meant to keep it warm a pleasant experience? That was a rhetorical question I'm going to answer for you. NO. Each sip is like a game of deadly Russian roulette. Except your entire mouth is at stake. Maybe if I wasn't so scared of burning my mouth every time I wanted a pleasant sip, I would like coffee more. Or at least I'd be less scared of it.

6. Myself

What? You thought I wouldn't call myself out for being a giant hypocrite? No worries! I am all the things that I despise! The only reason I complain about these people is because I'm jealous that I can't drink coffee.

The truth is, I'd love to be one of those teenagers that struts around with a Starbucks cup. I want to feel great about myself and brag about how much I love coffee. However, it's kind of hard to jump on the coffee bandwagon. I can barely handle a frappuccino, and I'm still working my way up to a decaf mocha. The most I can strut around with is a strawberry banana smoothie.

And even that lifts up my self-confidence.

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Popular Right Now

12 Starbucks Iced Drinks You NEED In Your Life This Summer

Must-try beverages brought to you by your local barista.

Be kind to your baristas, they can make you some pretty great drinks. With the temperature rising and the days getting longer, it's approaching the time to find your summer staple to keep you cool (and caffeinated) over the next few months.

Starbucks offers a wide variety of cold beverages that really hit the spot during the summer months, from espresso drinks to fraps, smoothies, teas and refreshers. As a Starbucks barista, I've had the opportunity to taste most drinks on the menu and receive feedback from customers on the do's and don'ts of cold beverages.

While this is not an exhaustive list, I pulled together some of my favorites to give you, the "Ultimate Starbucks Iced Beverage Bucket List for 2017" that you MUST try this season:

1. Pink Drink

Three words: Basic white girl. If you want a photogenic drink that tastes like a Starburst and makes baristas happy, the Pink Drink is for you. It's a pretty simple beverage... this Strawberry Acai Refresher combined with Coconutmilk is sure to satisfy your hipster needs.

2. Iced White Mocha

This sinfully sweet iced espresso drink is not only one of the most popular beverages on the menu, but sure to wake you up at any time of day. Jazz it up by asking for half white chocolate, half mocha sauce, topped with a mocha drizzle, and you've got yourself an Iced Tuxedo Mocha!

3. Doubleshot on Ice

If nothing else, this quick pick-me-up looks classy while giving you the energy boost you need to get through the day. With two shots of espresso, a bit of milk and classic syrup, this drink is easy to enjoy in little time... it's like a caffeine I.V.!

4. Iced Caramel Machiatto

Surprise, surprise... Caramel Machiattos are actually made with vanilla syrup. Nonetheless, these espresso-topped beverages are absolutely delicious at any time of year, but summer calls for ice! Want to change things up? Ask your barista to make it with half vanilla syrup, half toffee nut syrup to make an Iced Salted Caramel Machiatto!

5. Very Berry Hibiscus Refresher

A sister to the Pink Drink, the Very Berry Hibiscus Refresher is a fruit juice-blackberry combo that makes for a pretty chilled beverage to enjoy on the go. The caffeine content is minimal, making it a great option for any time of day.

6. Vanilla Sweet Cream Cold Brew

Cold Brew is basically Starbucks' version of a smoother-tasting iced coffee with more caffeine. The Vanilla Sweet Cream Cold Brew is a standard drink topped with vanilla-flavored heavy cream to create a sweet taste and a marbled appearance in the beverage. Want something with flavor, but not in the mood for vanilla? Try the Toasted Coconut Cold Brew!

7. Mango Black Tea Lemonade

The Mango Black Tea Lemonade is one of the most popular drinks on the menu. Iced Teavana tea mixed with mango syrup and lemonade makes for the perfect combination

8. Iced Chai Tea Latte

Iced Chais - sound so sophisticated, yet so simple to make. If you order this drink, there is a 10/10 chance that your barista will love you for it. Milk mixed with a sweet and spicy chai syrup makes for a classy drink that can be enjoyed at any time of day.

9. Iced Cinnamon Almondmilk Machiatto

The identifying characteristic that makes a macchiato, well, a macchiato is that the espresso shots are poured on top of the milk and flavoring. Starbucks' Iced Cinnamon Almondmilk Machiatto is a combination of cinnamon dolce syrup and almondmilk topped with espresso shots, a caramel drizzle and a cinnamon dolce topping to create a delicious dairy-free option in the macchiato family.

10. Sunset Refresher

This secret menu drink is fairly simple to make with a cool lime base, lemonade, lime slices, and ice topped with black tea. When finished, the drink will have an ombré appearance that makes it totally picture-worthy!

11. Iced Caffè Americano

Calling all espresso lovers: Americanos are a Starbucks signature. The drink itself is pretty simple - espresso and water topped with ice, but if you're feeling particularly adventurous, you can mix things up with a flavored syrup. This drink is sure to wake you right up, no matter the time of day.

12. Strawberry Lemonade

Want something cold but not feeling coffee or a frap? Frozen Strawberry Lemonade is definitely worth a try! While this drink is not on the menu, most baristas are happy to make it upon request. Just ask for a combination of strawberry flavoring, lemonade, and ice blended together for a slushie-like beverage!

Cover Image Credit: FoodBeast

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Abortion Bans Are Only A Small Part Of The Republican War On Women

These bans expose the Republican Party for what it truly is.


This week, several states passed laws that ban abortion after six to eight weeks of pregnancy, before most women even know that they're pregnant. The most egregious of these is Alabama — the state has banned abortion except for in cases of danger to the mother. Exceptions in the cases of rape and incest were actively voted against by the state legislature. Under the new law, any doctor who is caught giving an abortion would be sentenced to 99 years in prison, and the woman would be charged with murder.

Apart from the fact that this explicitly violates the decision of Roe v. Wade (which is the point), this is only a small part of the slow but steady degradation of women's rights by Republicans in the United States. To anyone who believes that this is simply about people being "pro-life" or "saving the children," then tell them to look at what happens after the fetus is carried to term.

Republicans oppose forcing fathers to be involved in the lives of their children that were forcibly carried to term, desires to cut food stamps and make it more difficult to feed said child, cut funding for affordable housing to make it more difficult for them to find homes, cut spending to public education so these children can't move up the social ladder, and refuse to offer the woman or her child health insurance to keep them both healthy. What about efforts to prevent pregnancy? Republicans also oppose funding birth control and contraception, as well as opposing comprehensive sexual education. To them, the only feasible solution is to simply keep your legs shut. They oppose all of these things because it is, in their eyes, a violation of individual rights to force people to do something. The bill also makes women who get abortions felons, and felons can't vote. I'll let you finish putting those two together.

If you view it from this framework, it would seem like Republicans are being extremely hypocritical by violating the personal freedoms of pregnant women, but if you look at it from the view of restricting social mobility for women, then it makes perfect sense. The Republican dogma of "individual rights" and "personal responsibility" is a socially acceptable facade that they use to cover up their true intentions of protecting the status quo and protect those in power. About any Republican policy, ask yourself: does this disperse power or consolidate it? Whether it be education, healthcare, the environment, or the economy, Republicans love to keep power away from the average citizen and give it to the small number of people that they deem "deserving" of it because of their race, gender, wealth, or power. This is the case with abortion as well; Power is being taken from women, and being given back to men in a reversal of the Feminist Movement of the 1970s.

Republicans don't believe in systemic issues. They believe that everyone has the same opportunity to succeed regardless of what point they started. This is why they love capitalism so much. It acts as some sort of great filter in which only those who deserve power can make it to the top. It's also why they hate social policies; they think that helping people who can't help themselves changes the hierarchy in a negative way by giving people who don't "deserve" power, power. Of course, we know that just because you have money and power doesn't mean you earned it fair and square, and even if Republicans believe it, it wouldn't change anything because it wouldn't change how they want to distribute power.

In short, Republican policies, including abortion, leave the average American with less money, less protection, less education, worse health, less opportunity, fewer rights, and less freedom. This is NOT a side effect. This is the point. Regardless of what Republicans will tell you about "inalienable rights" and how everyone is equal, in reality, they believe that some people and groups are more deserving of rights than others, and the group that deserves rights the most are the ones "that will do the best with them." To Republicans, this group consists of the wealthy, the powerful, and the white — the mega-rich, the CEOs of large companies, gun owners and Christians.

So, who do Republicans think deserve power and give it to? People who look and think like them. This, however, begs the question: Who do they want to take it from?

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