1. Teenagers

All teenagers struggle with their self-esteem at some point. Perhaps they don't have confidence in their abilities, their intelligence, their looks or their popularity. Many inspirational speeches telling them to "believe in themselves" clearly aren't working either. In a world riddled with self-doubt and loathing, what could be a solution to this growing problem?

I present: the coffee cup.

Hand any teenager a decaf latte and watch their confidence skyrocket. Watch them prance and strut around the mall flaunting the fact that they have the quintessential symbol of adulthood in their hands. The kid who just begged their parents for $20 to spend on Starbucks suddenly becomes a model who has the maturity and responsibility to carry around a cup of coffee. Every Starbucks drink should have a disclaimer that says, "WARNING: this beverage contains a dose of narcissism higher than the recommended average."

2. People who buy coffee and bring it to school

I have one question for these people: why?

Okay, it's going to take me a while to run through the logistics of this.

For most people, school starts around 7 or 8 a.m. That means they have to wake up early and drive to their nearest cafe during rush hour to buy coffee they could've just made at home. They then have to wait in line and duke it out with angry people who have to go to work. Then, they take that coffee, which has probably already gotten cold, to school so they can show show all their friends. And while they all crowd around each other like a swarm of insects marveling at the glorious trophy that is the coffee cup, the person with coffee suddenly become the most popular icon in school because they showed up with a drink.

Well actually, they didn't become popular for nothing. Waking up early just to get a cup of coffee is hard work. But they can't reveal the sheer amount of effort it took to buy it. The statements have to be nonchalant or else it's not cool. It has to be something like, "Oh, I just felt like it this morning." Or, "This? I just stopped by a Starbucks to get it on the way to school."

Just remember: next time you want to improve your social status, try to "stop by" Starbucks.

3. Coffee addicts

I think my last two points have already covered the fact that coffee has become something of a bragging matter along with procrastination, staying up late and stress eating. But you can't just say, "I have a cup of coffee which makes me more mature and a better adult than you." Nooo way. You have to say it in a way that's subtle. A statement that lets everyone know you like coffee with an undertone of superiority.

You know what I'm talking about. Things like, "The only way I can study is in a nice cafe with a cup of coffee next to me." Or, "I'm so sorry. I have an addiction to coffee." Or, "Oh my gosh, like, I totally cannot function in the morning without a cup of coffee." Or, "I have got to get my daily caffeine fix."

First of all, who in their right mind intentionally goes out to study in a cafe when they could just stay at home?

And when did drug addiction become cool?

Actually, don't answer that.

Actually you can't since this is an article, and you'll be talking to your screen if you do.

4. Fakers

Whenever I see anyone drinking coffee, I can't tell whether they genuinely like it or if they force themselves to. To me, coffee tastes like sand and dirt mixed in with a handful of butts.

Then there are the people who say, "It's an acquired taste."

What's that supposed to mean? I think that phrase was invented by some person who wanted to eat things that weren't meant to be food. If you take a chunk of wood and say, "It's an acquired taste," the entire upper class is going to turn into beavers eating wood for fine dining.

You know the phrase "beauty is pain?" I'm pretty sure the people who first started drinking coffee had to say "coffee is pain" to force themselves to keep drinking it.

5. People who nonchalantly sip from the lid of the coffee cup

The standard coffee cup has a simple yet elegant design of a slightly cylindrical drink receptacle combined with a completely unnecessary cardboard sleeve thing. And that's pretty cool except for the lid.

The lid is the literal embodiment of everything that is wrong with humanity. It is the culmination of all of humanity's shortcomings packed into a little plastic circle with a tiny hole.

Yes, I get that it's supposed to keep drinks warm.

But when the liquid inside the cup is the same temperature as molten lava, is drinking out of a tiny hole in the lid that's meant to keep it warm a pleasant experience? That was a rhetorical question I'm going to answer for you. NO. Each sip is like a game of deadly Russian roulette. Except your entire mouth is at stake. Maybe if I wasn't so scared of burning my mouth every time I wanted a pleasant sip, I would like coffee more. Or at least I'd be less scared of it.

6. Myself

What? You thought I wouldn't call myself out for being a giant hypocrite? No worries! I am all the things that I despise! The only reason I complain about these people is because I'm jealous that I can't drink coffee.

The truth is, I'd love to be one of those teenagers that struts around with a Starbucks cup. I want to feel great about myself and brag about how much I love coffee. However, it's kind of hard to jump on the coffee bandwagon. I can barely handle a frappuccino, and I'm still working my way up to a decaf mocha. The most I can strut around with is a strawberry banana smoothie.

And even that lifts up my self-confidence.