My 21st birthday was today. Of course, the immediate questions from everyone are, "So what is going to be your first drink? Where are you going to go tonight? What are you looking forward to trying?" People who know me ask this with a mischievous glint in their eye and a teasing tone in their voice.
They know my answer: they will receive an eye roll, a shake of the head with a smile, folded arms, and a retort something along the lines of: "I wouldn't touch that stuff with a 30-foot pole. What's going to be my first drink? Water's pretty hydrating stuff, if I do say so myself. Where am I going to go tonight? My room, with my glass of water in hand, to read a book. What am I looking forward to trying? My cup of coffee, in the morning."
You read that right. I am 21 years old, and I refuse to touch alcohol.
No, it is not because of a religious conviction. I do not think that it is a sin to have a drink, or even three.
No, I do not have any alcoholics in my family and swore off alcohol because of it.
No, I do not have any traumatizing experiences associated with alcohol.
No, I am not of the thinking that it is fundamental to a good time.
And no, I do not believe I am missing out on anything or making a mistake.
The truth is, even the thought of alcohol fills me with terror. It used to be that if someone poured a casual glass of wine in the middle of a conversation, I started to look for the nearest exit. At the very least, I subconsciously started to distance myself, shuffling a few feet away. And I do not know where that fear comes from. If I believed in past lives (and I will say that as a Christian, I do not), perhaps I could say that I had a terribly abusive alcoholic husband or parent that ended up being the death of me and the fear of it has followed me into this life. The fear is simply that stark.
The fear has faded somewhat in the present day. I can at least manage to anchor myself to a chair if someone has alcohol in their hand. Try to ignore it, Kathryn. Oh, the glass is being raised... they're taking a sip... look away. I have often asked myself why I have this irrational fear of the substance, and through the years I have gotten significantly better acquainted with myself and have begun to unravel an answer:
I process the world deeply within myself. My interior world—complete with my intuition, thoughts, past experiences, thoughts for the future, patterns I have noticed in the many environments I have encountered along with the people in them—is what guides me in my exterior world. While others live more in the happenings of their exterior environment, or some with one foot in their interior world and the other in the exterior world around them, I rely quite heavily on everything in my interior to get me through, day in and day out. My thoughts especially are the only things in this insane world that I have complete control of, and they are what keep me grounded.
Alcohol greatly impairs all of that, and if one has enough of it, then it can all become paralyzed. A person can lose absolute control of themselves, becoming completely at the mercy of those around them... or those around them can become completely at the mercy of the drunk. Alcohol loosens the tongue, and a person can say dastardly detrimental things of themselves as well as others; their thoughts are no longer chained inside their mind and are, instead, running wild. It can erase memory. A reputation (theirs or someone else's) can be ruined in moments, and the person who said it might never be able to even recall it. A respectable person can be reduced to a blubbering mess, eventually hanging their head over the toilet because they had too much to drink. Alcohol takes control out of the hand of the individual and that person is left to the mercy of a mere substance. The thought of consuming such a thing—something that compromises my outlet to the world around me as well as that of my inner self—is not a thought I prefer to entertain. All of the possibilities stated in this paragraph are not out of the question of what alcohol is capable of reducing me to. Yes, I know that one drink will not be capable of this destruction. But ever present in my mind when it is concerned is the possibility of me liking it too much. After all, every alcoholic had that first drink that got them liking the buzz that alcohol promised them.
In addition to ripping away the security inside myself that I take refuge in, as well as my inner identity, it makes others unpredictable. One is at least able to control themselves; choosing not to drink is an option that is available to them. But their control ends at the tips of their fingers and the ends of their toes, for they cannot control others. When one becomes tipsy, they at least have their own power to give voice to any thoughts; when another person is tipsy, anything can be said. When drunkenness is involved, it can come in many forms. A person can simply become a loud fool, another can become brutally honest (although it might not even be honesty, since their thoughts are completely skewed), while others can become hot-headed and violent. There are so many avenues that alcohol can drag a person down. They become no longer in control of themselves, and they become a danger to themselves as well as those around them.
Looking back, I have always been repulsed at surrendering the control of myself to a substance. Even at the dentist's office as a child, when offered laughing gas to get a tooth pulled or some other tooth work completed, I adamantly refused. "Are you sure?" They asked. "It might hurt a little." (Yes, despite popular belief that dentists do not warn of pain, I suppose I was lucky in this respect; my dentist was an honest one!) I was positive, for I would much rather take the pain than lose control of myself to a foreign substance. The same is true today. Adults often take alcohol for a different kind of pain, but it only creates more issues. Trying to drown problems in drinks will only make the problems worse; you can deal with any situation better if you are in your absolute, right mind. At least, that is my philosophy.
I am fully aware that only a few drinks will not reap these consequences. However, it is within my nature to overthink and over-plan. My mind is constantly racing to every "What if?" in a situation, and it immediately comes up with a scenario and possible solution. When alcohol is involved, however, it affects people in different ways—my brain is unable to compute an accurate scenario because alcohol creates a wild card. That makes me even more uneasy.
I am not saying alcohol is wrong. I know it is not. If people want to drink, I am not at all telling you how I think you should live your life. Frankly, it is none of my business. I just often get such confused looks when I say I plan to steer leagues away from alcohol. I receive defensive remarks such as, "You know, the Bible doesn't say it's a sin. It's not wrong, you know." I know. I get it. But I, personally, would much prefer to steer clear of substances that would influence me in a way not of my own making. It still terrifies me when other people around me are drinking, and the horrible possibilities that my overactive brain conjures only make matters worse. But I try to live with it.
And no, I do not want that glass of wine to sooth my nerves. Get that thing away from me. I will take my thoughts—nerves and all—as they are, but I do think I will accept some coffee. Just cream and sugar, please, no liquor in it or whatnot. Just because I can does not mean that I will.
