It’s hard for people to understand, easy to judge.
“Why can’t you sleep at night?”
“Don’t you get tired?”
“You should just resort to sleeping pills.”
Such a complex disorder can only equate to a handful of quick, easy routes out that only contribute to solving the problem both minimally and temporarily.
Insomnia feels like counting how many hours of sleep you can possibly get if you were to fall asleep at the last possible hour, before that packed schedule of yours begins, once the taunting morning sun comes up. You become use to it- almost an odd, frightening sense of familiarity to that morning sun.
It’s getting one good night's sleep, and having nobody in the world understand the unbelievable sense of accomplishment you feel the following day. It’s learning to live with it, as you try to merely brush it aside as you go about your day to day life. But if only it were that simple.
lt’s that empty smile, following the usual small talk amongst your peers while that same feeling in the pit of your stomach continues to be lifeless. Eventually you learn. You learn to walk around with these hidden monsters inside your closet, learn to be okay with always feeling like a zombie. Living each day as though it were a dream, and an unhappy one at that. Ironic isn’t it? Constantly in a dream-like state, but never actually sleeping. The hardest part is knowing you are capable of so much more in life, and you ache to be so much more.
But you’re stuck. You “wake up," live life to the very best of your ability, without having the proper rest that every other normal person has had, and have that cycle happen all over again. That overwhelming sense of anxiety, it never really leaves you. Meanwhile, nobody has a clue why you’re so tired. “Tired” is an understatement.
