For those who think anxiety is simply the feeling of nervousness, think again. Anxiety has a life of its own and will stop at nothing to destroy you. Here are the hidden truths behind the illness:
It plays the same bad decisions over and over again in your head until it leaves you in tears; thinking of all the ways you could have handled it better, but didn't.
It makes you scared; scared for next year, next month, tomorrow, today; making every breath you take feel as though it has been contaminated with toxins. You worry about what will happen, what is happening, and what has happened.
It makes you freeze, unable to text your boyfriend or your best friend back, so you sit there and you battle your mind all by yourself until one of you wins.
It creates a race track in your mind. Five different cars at the starting line: Worry, Regret, Pain, Numbness, and Peace. They cross the finish line in that exact order, but by the time Peace has made its way to the end, the next race has already begun.
It leaves you home alone on a Friday night because you are too nervous to go out; too scared of what others will think. Every time someone's eyes fall on you, you tell yourself it's because there's something wrong with you. So, to avoid the judgement, you lie in bed alone.
It makes you hesitant to ask for help. People will tell you "if you never ask, the answer will always be no." But in your mind, that's better than being embarrassed at the chance of the answer being, "no."
It makes you stare at the clock while you sit in class because you are worried that the teacher will call on you. You are jittery and constantly moving, because the worst possible thing you can think of at that moment is getting asked a question to which you don't know the answer.
It makes you crazy as you lie awake at night listening to voices that battle each other, in some cruel competition to see who can be the loudest. You crave sleep. You're so tired, but the noises crashing around in your head prevent any chance of sweet dreams.
It constantly reminds you of all the ways you've hurt people. You are left spending hours thinking of what you could have done differently; convincing yourself that normal people would have gotten over it five minutes after it happened.
It makes you hate yourself. You begin to question everything. Why would a God who loves me so much make me this way? Why would the world attach such a negative stigma to it? Why does everyone else lack in understanding? Why am I even here?
Voices so loud you almost forget something:
That's not all it does.
It makes you love more fiercely, because you constantly have a fear of losing the ones you love. It makes you work a little harder, creating a work ethic that is strong. It makes you cherish a little more, realizing that even accomplishing the little things can be major victories worth celebrating. It makes you care more deeply, because you understand that everything can be lost.
Would I get rid of my anxiety if I could? Absolutely. Most of the time, it overpowers me, and I feel as if I cannot go on another day. But it's a part of who I am, and I can never change that. So I have to focus on what I can change. I can change how I view it. I can change how I deal with it. And I can do everything in my power to change the stigma attached to it.
Then one day I can say,
"Anxiety,
You don't run my life anymore.
No longer yours,
Me."
