A common misconception about failed friendships is the idea that one person is entirely to blame. Yet, I find this is not necessarily the case, and the reason most friendships end is because of the toxicity of the relationship. Toxic relationships only provide pain for everyone involved, and no one really emerges a real winner.
A toxic friendship occurs when two people find themselves unable to function in a way which benefits both members of the relationship. Typically, the relationship displays undertones of potential toxicity in the form of unaddressed issues. In this case, communication becomes key, because if no one speaks up, nothing can be solved. If you choose to not address issues in your friendship, you move into a constant passive aggressive state. Passive aggressiveness ignites the fire for conflict, in an ironic attempt to avoid confrontation. When people become passive aggressive towards one another, they open themselves up to often incorrect assumptions. These assumptions can in turn inadvertently create false accusations, leading to irreversible conflict and a toxic friendship.
The most distinguishing aspect of any toxic relationship is the inability to reach a resolution. The time to address the central issues of the relationship has passed, and there is nothing anyone can do to repair the bond. You find yourself unable to act the same way or reach the same level of closeness you once had because of a lack of trust. No amount of communication will reach a resolution, and the conversation continues in circles. Each side will become more and more frustrated with the other’s inability to see their point of view, leading to an increase in aggravation. At this point, it is best to just part ways because trying to fix the conflict will only land the friendship back into the same vicious cycle. Maybe there is hope in the future of time healing all wounds, maybe there is not, but one thing is for certain; both parties will be better off apart.
The friendship did not end because of one person alone, and thus the blame cannot be put entirely on a single individual. Toxic relationships are the result of a long lasting conflict, which ultimately will never find a satisfactory solution. An argument takes two people, and thus blame can be placed on multiple people including yourself. In the words of Louis C.K. “When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t,” meaning you cannot invalidate the pain you may have caused someone. You need to acknowledge where you may be at fault, and acknowledge the mistakes you might have made. In the end, utilize these realizations as learning points to grow into a more mature person.
You are allowed to not hate your former friends, because honestly, hating them will only hurt you. These were the people you confided in, laughed with, cried with, and probably shared numerous fond memories with. At one point or another this person was your friend, meaning you saw something in them and felt a personal connection to them. There is nothing requiring you to forget these points in your life or act as if you were never really their friend. These were people whom you may have considered integral parts in your life. Ultimately, you should not feel as if you need to hate them because at one point you could not imagine not being their friend.
When a friendship fails, the best thing to do is move on with your life, and find friends who communicate their issues to you, call you out when you’re wrong, and have your best interests at heart. You’ll find friends come and go, but the truth is, when a friendship ends it is painful for everyone involved. Thus, this is a time when you’ll need real friends to help you out of your toxic friendship.
