To a toxic friendship,

Writing this letter is taking a lot on my part. World War Three will surely ensue if you ever find about this, but let me make something very clear- I am not doing this to get back at you, or to spite you. I'm writing this letter because this letter has a story- a story that I truly believe is relatable and that needs to be heard.

Toxic is toxic. It doesn't matter if you have known someone for a week, a month, or more than 5 years-- the minute a relationship becomes unhealthy, it is toxic and you need to walk away.

At least that's what I was told. I didn't listen. I stayed, although I walked on eggshells and had a mini panic attack every time my cell phone rang and your name flashed on the screen. I stayed, even though I never felt truly safe or accepted. I stayed, even though the majority of the people around me told me I needed to get out. I stayed because there was a sense of guilt-- if I wasn't your friend, I know it would hurt you for a while. I also felt a sense of hope-- maybe, just maybe, things would change. Things would get better. The vicious cycle would stop.

But it never changed, got better, or stopped. That is why I am writing this letter today.

I know what I should have done. I know that staying in a toxic friendship for so long is not your fault-- it's mine. My loved ones would get mad at me. They would hear of the chaos and say,

"Why are you accepting this type of treatment? Why aren't you sticking up for yourself and walking away?"

I still don't exactly know why I allowed myself to remain so close to someone so unbearably toxic. I don't know how I dealt with the harsh words thrown at me, attacking my character, with maturity. I don't know how I let you say things about me that I knew weren't true. I don't know how, when you said it, that I truly let it bother me.

But I do know this.

I will not let you define what I think of myself. I will not put myself down because of the words you have thrown my way.

I will not let you make me think that your toxicity is my doing. Your character, your attitude towards life is your problem, not mine. Your inability to handle any opinion that isn't your own is not a reflection on me and my moral values, it's a reflection on yours. It has taken a lot of strength to stick up to you-- doing so has been a struggle for a very long time. I thought that I was in the wrong-- that I was to blame for your actions. But now I am stronger. I know that I am not at fault for who you are and that I cannot control you, I can only control me. That being said, I thank you for being in my life. Although you have caused me many tears, many years of anguish and self-doubt, I thank you for making me feel as if I was weak. Because of you, I come back strong.

You are now a part of my life that I can look back on and not regret. I will move on, head high, knowing that I was never at fault for your recurring toxic ways. Sure, I'm not perfect, and I know I've done wrong. However, I can acknowledge it and try to move forward. That's important.

I wish you all the best in life, no matter where we stand. I just pray that through self-reflection and growth you will become more aware of your words and actions.

- The friend who stayed