Anxiety is something I have been struggling with for quite a while. I’ve always worried about the smallest details; details that seem to be nothing to other people. Sometimes I feel as if the thoughts in my brain are running around in circles and bumping into each other. They never walk, they only run. And they run fast too. The worst part is that they are running around all at the same time. And I’ve always had people tell me to “take it one day at a time” or to “not worry about it.” Well, I’ve been trying to master the whole “taking it one day at a time concept.” But we all know that telling me “not to worry about it” only makes me worry about it more.
Living with anxiety is tricky. It’s like there are a million things in your head that you want to say, but you don’t say any of them. It’s practicing how a conversation is going to go days before it even happens; you spend hours trying to figure out what you’re going to say or what you think the other person will say. It’s worrying about what you are going to do months from now. It’s the curiosity of knowing what tomorrow holds. Sometimes you become so stressed about the billions of things you have to do in a week that you break down in tears and tell yourself that you can’t do any of it. You become so stressed that your hands begin to sweat and your heart begins to pound uncontrollably. And all of that leads to a massive headache that won’t go away. Anxiety is worrying what those around you think of you even if they are not even looking at you. You shut yourself out from the world because worry consumes you. You decide to miss out on opportunities because you are afraid of the outcome. You begin to think of small things that are wrong with you that others don’t ever notice; details like your different shaped eyes. I could go on for days trying to put into words what it’s like to feel anxious. It's pretty much being afraid of everything.
Sometimes it seems like there’s no way out of your head. Your anxiety controls you. But recently I’ve learned that even though it tries its best to control me, that doesn’t mean it IS me. I’ve let it define me for so long, but once I stopped, looked in the mirror, and said “no more,” things started to change. No, it’s not as easy as it sounds. As a matter of fact, it’s not easy at all. But it’s not impossible. You are NOT anxiety, you struggle with it. You are NOT worthless, and don’t let anxiety tell you that you are. You don’t have to know how tomorrow will go, we are not meant to know the future. You are more than capable of controlling those running thoughts in your head. Something I have been doing recently which has helped me a lot is I have been writing down every thought that comes to mind. For many years I’ve had people tell me to “write my tasks down” and I’ve ignored it until recently. I started writing down everything I have to do for the week and I cross out whatever it is that I do. I’ve been changing little things here and there to help organize my brain, and they’ve helped a lot. This is one of those things that are easier said than done, but trust me: you can push anxiety to the side and you can learn how to be free. You can learn how to be yourself. I know because I’ve done it.
Don't let yourself live in fear because years from now you'll wish you had done half of the things you didn't do.
