You know when you're little and your friends ask you, "what's your biggest fear?" or when you're watching Harry Potter and the Boggart pops out and you wonder what shape it would take if it popped out at you? I always thought pretty hard about that. I had a few little fears but nothing big like spiders or snakes or heights or dogs or bullies or anything like that. But over the years I realized I did have one prominent fear that was only growing bigger. I was terrified that people thought I was annoying. I was constantly worried that I was talking too much or saying stupid things or just being weird. I tried so hard to make sure I wasn't annoying anybody but still felt like I kept messing up and I was just too weird, loud, talkative, and dumb. For those of you who may be thinking, "oh she was that obnoxious kid that won't shut up and irritates everybody," I actually wasn't. I just thought I was. That's how perceived myself and how I was afraid people perceived me. I actually had pretty good social skills and plenty of friends.
But for years I was just so worried about it and I let it almost consume me. This was my one big insecurity. I never really struggled with my appearance. I was taught by my mother that I was beautiful and I believed it. I wore makeup and did my hair to feel pretty but I never really cared that much what other people thought of my clothes or hair or weight. I learned pretty fast that the people who matter to me aren't going to care and aren't going to judge. But this fear of being annoying was still pressing on me. I let it fill my thoughts and it was so destructive.
There came a time when I realized how much space this thought was taking up in my mind. I was so tired of worrying about it all the time. I had let it take up too much of my time, energy, and thoughts that I had little room for much else when I was around others. So I decided I was done. I was going to stop caring what others thought of me because I realized that it really didn't matter. It doesn't matter. What matters is how I feel about myself. So I found myself asking three questions. Who am I really? Who do I want to be? and Where am I on that path?
As I examined and analyzed who I was I discovered that I like who I am. I knew I still had flaws and I still had things to work on, but over all, I liked who I was. I was a pretty good person. And sometimes I even felt kind of awesome actually. But who did I want to be? I narrowed down a few things I wanted to work on. I wanted to be kinder to others and think a bit less about myself and a bit more about others around me. I wanted to be closer to God and more spiritually in-tune. Then I made some goals and started to work toward them. The goals I made were attainable and also trackable so I could see how well I was doing. I tracked it by reminding myself to not only think more about others but do service for others to show my appreciation and love for those around me. I also worked on reading my scriptures and saying my prayers more often, not only morning and night but I tried to thank my Heavenly Father throughout the day for the little blessings.
Doing this totally shifted my perspective. Because I stopped worrying if people thought I was annoying I started being completely myself all the time. It felt so freeing. I was confident with who I was because I liked who I was. Sometimes I was crazy, sometimes I would sing in public, sometimes I'd make silly faces or do funny voices. And I didn't care one bit if anybody thought I was weird or dumb or annoying.
In being myself, I made another realization. Not only did I like me, other people did too. I wasn't exactly popular but people liked having me around. I had friends. People invited me places. I'd walk in a room and people would shout, "Delaney's here!!" People liked me for who I was, not for the front I used to put up to avoid embarrassment or vulnerability. My fear of being annoying had been holding me back for so long. Once I let go of the fear I could see not only how I felt about myself, but also how others felt about me and around me. You can't please everybody and there will always be someone who will be annoyed. But in the end, it doesn't matter. What matters is your journey towards the best you you can be. What better way to practice being your best self than by being yourself?
