I Hate My Chest And Society Does Too Because It Has More Tissue Than Someone Who Was Born Male

I Hate My Chest And Society Does Too Because It Has More Tissue Than Someone Who Was Born Male

I hate my chest, always have and always will- it hurts me physically, mentally, and emotionally.

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Before I start this let me clarify that I was assigned female at birth. Let me also say that I do not agree with my birth assigned gender. At this point in my life I still have female sex characteristics but I present in a masculine and androgynous way. This article will not go into my gender identity because it is a topic that is not safe for me to discuss on a public platform at this time. From this point forward I will refer to my breast tissue as my "chest" because that is the term that I am most comfortable using to describe that area of my body.

Before I hit puberty I had perfect posture and rode horses. This was a time in my life where I had never been touched by a training bra or any other form of pain around my rib cage. About a year into riding horses I got into a really bad accident on one of the horses and quit for good, this was one of the biggest mistakes of my life because I miss it often. Three years later I was home sick from school and my mom made me wear a pastel pink training bra because it was "that time". I was terrified and felt sicker than I did before. The next day when I went back to school I immediately started getting bullied. Both girls and boys would pop the back of my bra, point out my chest, and much more. Ever since then my chest has been covered and my posture has gone to shit.

The past three years I have only worn "regular" bras when the pain in my shoulders, back, and ribs becomes unbearable. Every single day I wear compression sports bras or binders to cover my increasingly large chest that I inherited from my biological fathers side of the family. I've never identified with my chest nor have I ever wanted it. Each day I can feel my shoulders moving forward, my ribs caving in, and the knots in my back growing. The pain is unbearable. My insurance, like most, doesn't cover top surgery. Hell, my insurance doesn't even cover chiropractic care. I would give anything for top surgery and I would love to have my joints cracked professionally on a weekly basis as well.

Why not wear a regular bra? Well, because then my chest sticks out and I look like someone I'm not. Even with a binder on or a sports bra I already look too feminine; so a regular bra screams "I'm a chick".

At this point I have two options: tape and surgery. Two days ago I bought tape to try and help flatten my chest and censor myself for the rest of the world because god forbid someone sees a nipple through a shirt. The tape that I bought is made for people like me, people with chest dysphoria. This tape will also release the tension in areas of my body where I feel pain so I won't have to "wear" anything. Eventually I will get surgery. Not soon enough… Never soon enough. But it will happen. The day I get top surgery is the day that I will be free from pain- mentally, emotionally, and physically.

My chest is full of tissue just like yours. I don't like mine and you may love yours or hate yours. Either way, why am I forced to cover mine? The amount of physical pain that I feel is unreal. Hopefully the tape will help for now… But seriously, what's the big deal with censorship? Why do I have to cover my chest other than because I don't like it?

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To Anyone Going Through A Heartbreak, It's Important To Remember What You Are Thankful For

People will come and go but what the rest of your life holds is patiently waiting for you.

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When we are hurt or going through a rough patch it is so easy to fall into the pit of not knowing your self-worth. We sit around drowning our brain with negative thoughts and wishing for things we do NOT need. Stop playing that sad song on repeat, stop watching tear-jerker movie and get out and do something. Or at least sit and think about all the amazing things you do have going for you.

Next time you are feeling like this try to think about what you do have in your life instead of fixating on what you lost.

Think about your career, school or whatever you have that you are working towards these days. Remember how much work you have put into your goals thus far and don't let anything throw that off track. People will come and go but what the rest of your life holds is patiently waiting for you.

And if you are just starting out with your goals remind yourself about the light at the end of the tunnel and everything will pay off. Just keep going, dig deep and use that drive.

Think about your family. Which for many is also your biggest support system. You know, the people with unwavering belief in everything you do? Your family has been there for you since day one. They know you, remember that. When your family is giving you advice no matter how backward it sounds it's coming from a good place.

Your family has seen you evolve, they understand your potential like no one else, trust their judgment. And always remember they are your blood and you have a bond to them like no one else.

Think about your friends. These are the people first in line to snap you out of your funk. Friends may live far and near but they are the first to show up when something bad happens.

They will remind you of your beauty, your strength and all the things you deserve in this world. But they are also the first to maybe give you the reality check that you desperately need. But most importantly they may be your best distraction. Don't segregate yourself from the world, reach out to friends they will help you through.

Think about your dreams. The things you never thought you could do. Take this time, these emotions and try to make them a reality. When something ends it is giving time for something new to blossom. Yes, you have careers and school or whatever else you do on a daily basis but there are bigger things you yearn for. That thing that you just assume could never happen because it isn't "practical" or whatever excuse you give yourself.

Why can't you do it? Take this time for self-discovery and see what else is out there for you.

But most importantly think about YOU. I truly believe everything happens for a reason and for some reason you needed to go through this. There is nothing wrong with you and this is just a little bump in the road in the comparison to everything you're going to do in life.

No one is more important than you reaching your goals or your own happiness. And you deserve to be happy. Sometimes we have to be selfish and put ourselves first to find our meaning. Don't feel guilty for that.

I am one of these people. I do tend to keep everything bottled in and just wreck my brain with pure negativity. But with a conscious effort, I am trying to think of all the good things I have in life. It will take time and it will not be easy. But I will get there.

You should try too. You are amazing, you are strong and you are resilient. But most importantly you are loved and cared for, you may just have to sit down and remind yourself about that sometimes.

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Please Know That Being Diagnosed With PCOS Is Not The Same As Living With It

I was diagnosed with PCOS in 2018, but it wasn't until months later that I realized what it’s actually like living with it everyday.

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In October 2017, tired of counting calories and never seeing the scale move, I decided to try the latest fad diet: Keto.

It worked.

I lost almost 40 pounds in half the time it had taken to lose 20. I had lost nearly 10 inches from waist and hips. I went from a size 18 to a size 12.

Getting into ketosis was hard, but once I was there, I felt incredible: better mental clarity and focus, astronomical amounts of energy, regular body functions. Don't get me wrong, this diet is hard. No carbs, no colorful vegetables, no pasta. The struggle was real. But what it was doing for my body was worth it.

Except for one little thing: my periods had lost their minds. I'm talking bleeding for three weeks straight, no break. Coming and going in particular pattern, sometimes twice a month. Side note: this is not normal. In the world of Keto, it's supposed to help exponentially with fertility and hormone balances; people use this diet as a way to reverse hormone imbalances, PCOS, and infertility. This was virtually unheard of in all of my support groups.

Months and months go by with no relief. My doctor can't figure out why everything is so wonky. She takes me off the pill and things get better - slightly. Any improvement at this point was a victory.

She finally gets my ultrasounds back and she says "Well that's a surprise!" Cue my questioning look of confusion. "Umm care to share?" "Your ovaries have the characteristic look of PCOS. But you don't have any of the usual symptoms. I'm guessing the Keto diet was helping in it's own way. I recommend staying on the diet, let nature re-regulate your natural hormones, and we will re-evaluate in a few months."

I was frustrated, but this was totally do-able. I had been living this lifestyle for months, so I didn't foresee it as an issue. But then my kidneys starting reacting to the diet, and that doctor recommended I come off it. Obviously I wasn't going to jeopardize my health, so I started a low carb version of the Mediterranean diet.

I went in fully expecting to gain some weight back, because I was reintroducing carbs when I had gone largely without them for over a year. I knew that this would happen, and I didn't let myself get discouraged when the scale started going forward.

What I did not expect was to have my PCOS start running lose with my entire life and sanity.

Don't get me wrong — my periods were normal again, but everything else went AWOL. My hormones were going up and down of their own volition, we are talking sobbing hysterically over a butterfly commercial one minute and then fuming with anger over a car ad the next.

I started experiencing pelvic pain that feels like cramps only not all the time and without rhyme or reason.

My hair became uncontrollably oily to the point where I had to wash it everyday like clockwork; it started to thin and fall out.

I also started getting darker hair everywhere. I'm naturally an incredibly fair-skinned person so having black hair anywhere stands out like a sore thumb.

I felt like I wasn't in control of anything going on with my body. I felt like a hairy, unattractive monster. Everything that made me feel attractive and desirable was slowly being taken away from me piece by piece.

I had been living with PCOS for nearly six months, but I hadn't realized what it was like to actually live with it. I thought it was just irregular periods, but it is so much more than just a weird period.

I went back to the doctor, and she explained to me again how PCOS works, and how she didn't think traditional treatment options were the best thing for me. "Go back on the Keto diet. You were having incredible success with managing your symptoms. Go back to that."

Going back has not been easy. When I first started Keto, it wasn't easy, but I got into it quickly. I've been trying since January 12th to get back into it, and it hasn't worked.

I'm now in a place where I need to do it — for my health, for my sanity, for my self-esteem — and I physically can't. I do exactly everything the same as before, and it's not working. I'm trying to move away from the mentality of doing it for weight loss, and move toward positive thinking about how it's what's best for my body and my health.

My PCOS has forced me to have militant control over everything I eat. I can't simply enjoy food anymore. Everything that I chose to eat directly relates back to my PCOS and what that particular food can do for me. I think about everything that I put into my body, and the potential it has for either healing my body or harming it.

I see a piece of cake and I smell it, and picture in my mind what it tastes like. But I know that if I eat that piece of cake, I will bloat, get a stomach ache, and have to start back from square one the next day.

I cut out the carbs. I say no to cake. No potatoes. No pasta. I eat only green vegetables. I drink coffee that has nothing but heavy cream. I try to do intermittent fasting for 15 hours a day.

And I hope that it works. I hope that today will be the day I can get my life back on track. That today will be the day Keto works its magic.

I hope.

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