The majority of my days are spent on cloud nine. 99% of the time I’m in an amazing mood, permanently positive, and even my bad days are on the same level as everyone else’s good days. However, we all find ourselves in an "off" funk once in a while, and that’s okay, we need the bad to appreciate the good. I believe every bad day comes to us with reason, but that’s a whole different article. When I find myself in these moods, I often notice my mind wondering to the topic of my transition.
Sometimes I really question it all, but tonight, I’ve had a break through, and I have finally come to terms with who I am. I am transgender, and that is okay.
I act extremely confident about the journey of my transition and who I am on social media. I tell myself I have to put on a brave face for those who are looking up to me, who can’t be open and live as their authentic selves like I have been so blessed to do.
The truth is, up until right now, being transgender was my biggest insecurity. I wouldn’t say I hated it about myself, but it was never something that sat right with me. It made me uneasy knowing that I will never be considered a normal male for the rest of my life. Once a week, from now until I get so old that I can't see straight, I’ll have to inject myself with testosterone even though I’m terrified of needles. I’ll always have long scars along my chest that look like they're from a lion who tore me open, as a constant reminder of this entire journey.
I know I shouldn’t be thinking this way, especially about myself, but being transgender made me feel like even at my best I was only equal to the worst cisgender male. For those not in tune with all the terms these days, being “cis” is a male born in a male body, their mind and body agree with each other. I know it wasn’t and isn’t true, but I felt like the word “trans” was stamped on my forehead and that’s all people saw when they looked at me, looking at me as a “what” rather than a “who”. Don’t even get me started on being trans and trying to date, I’d rather jump the Grand Canyon on a tricycle, blindfolded. “Your chest looks like it was ripped open by a lion.” “She’ll get ridiculed for dating a trans.” “No one wants to explain to mom their bringing a trans boy home.” “Why would a woman want to get involved with a trans when they could just go get the real thing?” These were the type of thoughts running through my head all the time. Enough is enough.
I’ve had an epiphany, a much-needed breakthrough. At the end of the day these are the cards I’ve been dealt. I. Am. Transgender. That’s that.
There is nothing I can ever do that will change that. The testosterone is already in my body and has done its job, my top surgery is long from reversible, this is my life now. So why would I ever spend any more of my precious time being bitter or angry over it? Life is too short and too beautiful to spend any of it focusing on the negatives. No, I may not have gotten bottom surgery yet, but I am just as much of a man as any other living breathing male alive. No, pre-bottom surgery doesn’t mean I can’t “get the job done” like any other male, and not to toot my own horn, but I’d make an amazing boyfriend. Any chick would be lucky to bring me home to their mama.
I’m proud of my scars because I worked my ass off to raise the money for my surgery. My scars remind me of where I’ve been, how strong I am, and how far I’ve come since then. Even still to this day, over a year post top surgery, I still find my hand brushing against my chest and a wave of pure relief washes over me when I don't feel anything there. I used to loathe whenever anyone saw a picture or any evidence of who I was before I started my transition, I didn't want them to have that image of me in their head or have that take away from the person I am today, I didn't want them to remember that I wasn't born a male. However, I've learned I must embrace every aspect and moment of this incredible yet beautiful journey, even the ones that make me cringe.
I’ve been extremely blessed since the very beginning of my transition and there isn’t a single thing I would ever change about it. There are so many transgender individuals out there that don’t get the chance to be visible, that don’t get to live as their authentic self like I have been so lucky to be able to do. From this day forward I will never waste another breath, another thought, another second hung up on anything negative relating to my transition. I will never doubt myself or question the actions I take to further my journey.
Of course, it would be much easier to have been born in a male’s body, but the obstacles I’ve overcome to get to where I am right now have far surpassed being worth it. I was put on this Earth for a reason and I firmly believe that reason is to spread my story just as I have been to give everyone else the motivation and strength to live the best lives they can as well, whether they be trans, straight, gay, anything. Live your own life, do not worry about what others may say or think. Life is entirely too short to spend it trying to live up to others expectations.
A tiger doesn’t lose sleep over the opinion of sheep.
Sheetal Tadiparty
Flickr Creative Commons
