I spend to much time thinking about what would have been different if I chose a different path. Wether it was the decision to play lacrosse, or not submit that one application to my reach school, or even the decision to send that one life-changing text. I find myself pondering what would’ve been different had I not been so stubborn or shy. What if I opened my mouth and talked to those girls the first night of hockey practice? Would everything be different?

I’d like to say that I am a firm believer in fate and that things happen for a reason. However, I’ve recently been considering the possibility that I think that way because of what I’ve been through. As human beings, we have the need to blame a secondary force for our mistakes and the un-answered questions we have. Fate has been the answer we’ve given to unexplained events for centuries, and I constantly wonder if we’ll ever have anything different to say; will we ever have any real answers?

Let’s say that I did open my mouth in the locker room before I went on the ice with my new team for our first hockey practice of the season: it only takes one conversation to create a connection. That conversation could have led to a friendship, and then even more friendships. I could have felt like a part of the team and maybe, after I missed a lot of practices and games while I was sick with Lupus in October and November, I would have come back to play. Maybe I wouldn’t have felt so embarrassed and ashamed for missing as much as I had. Maybe I wouldn’t have been afraid to step foot back on the ice. If I had built a stable support system, I think I would have gotten through it; I think I would have been in the photograph with the rest of the team holding up the trophy in celebration of our victorious win in the Cranberry Tournament at the end of December.

Not going back was my own decision. Of course I wasn’t feeling well and I was not at all near my best, however I think if I pushed myself hard enough I could have done it, and it would have changed everything. If I hadn’t been so stubborn, I might have still been playing hockey today. I might have gone to school in Maine, or even Minnesota, which was a dream of mine. Whether I played hockey at the school or not, I wanted to go to a huge hockey school with a rink and everything, but by the time the college search rolled around, hockey was a very sore subject for me. I couldn’t muster up the courage to ever go back. I couldn’t even watch a game; it hurt too much.

Only an athlete who truly holds a love for their sport as I did for hockey can fully understand how it feels to let it go. The end of my career turned my world upside-down. I was a shell of myself for over a year and a half. It was possibly one of the most painful experiences I’ve been through up until this point. I loved it so much; the feeling of the ice cold wind slapping you in the face as you skated down the rink, puck on your stick, ready to deke the goalie and slip the puck in the net. When they say time heals everything, I don’t think they’ve experienced a pain quite like this. It’s life-altering. Everything changed for me, after that. There have been some moments when I just haven’t been able to hold it in and I collapse. The tears, sobs, memories; they all come rushing out at once, and sometimes with no warning at all.

So now, after three years of no longer living on the rink, I’m stuck thinking ‘What if…’ and ‘Why me?’. The same thoughts swirl in my head, forcing me to rethink the past, even though I already know too well the pain I’m going to end up putting myself through. It’s not worth it, trust me. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from these feelings, it’s that you can’t get caught up on the past because it’s already happened; it’s over and there’s nothing more you can do about it, unless you make a different decision (if you even get the opportunity to) in the future.

This is where I tell you to take my experiences as evidence, and live in the now. Stay present, don’t look back— there’s simply no reason to in today’s world. Learn from your mistakes and keep moving forward; don’t let anything push you back. As Sutter Keely says, “It's fine to live in the now. But the best thing about now is that there's another one tomorrow.” - Tim Tharp, The Spectacular Now