We've seen each other in passing while you drop him off after your last-minute visitations, but I never say a word. I try not to even acknowledge your existence, because the moment I do, I know I won't be able to hold everything else back. I have so much I want to say to you, so many awful words I'd like to throw your way, but I refrain. My complete and total disdain for you is not more important than the life we are silently fighting over. That fragile, innocent little life that has done absolutely nothing to deserve any of this. A life that deserves the moon and the stars. A life that needed nothing more than a family that can love and care for him. I family that you single-handedly destroyed.
As the father of my nephew, I tried to give you a chance. I tried giving you the benefit of the doubt. I tried ignoring every fiber of my being that was screaming not to trust you. When she expressed her fears in your relationship, I always tried to provide every possible explanation, find even the thinnest of connections that could provide hope that you were a good guy, that you were the guy we wanted you to be, that you were the guy that they deserved. Then one day, she finally confirmed her suspicions and gave you the choice: your family or her. You chose her. You chose the other girl. The girl that wasn't stressed, hormonal and sleep-deprived trying to raise a small baby. The girl that was fun and exciting. The girl that was not the mother of your child. It could have been drugs, sex or alcohol. Either way, you chose something else other than your family.
Since then, we've been trying to stay civil and make this unfortunate situation work as best as possible. After all, the baby had nothing to do with this and should not be punished for his father's unfavorable characteristics. She has done everything she can to let you be his father, to create as much normalcy in the baby's life as possible. To give him the best version of a family she can offer, given the circumstances. Since then, I have been standing by, witnessing how this will all play out. In doing so, it has become very clear to me that you have no idea what it means to be a father. Granted, not very many first-time parents know how to parent in the beginning. However, most are at least good at guessing the right answer.
Let me tell you what a father is not.
A father is not a boy (Yes, boy. Men wouldn't do any of these things.) who gives up on his family the moment times get tough.
A father is not a boy who avoids the battles (the pregnancy, breastfeeding, natural birth, etc.), just because they get a little rough before they get better.
A father is not a boy who only sees his child when it is convenient for him.
A father is not a boy who only uses baby supplies (diapers, wipes, formula, clothes, etc.) that are provided.
A father is not a boy who threatens to take the child out of state (or makes threats regarding the child in any way).
A father is not a boy who leaves his child with grandparents the few times he decides to take him.
A father is not everything you've done and continue to do.
Now, let me try and enlighten you on what a father should be.
A father should be a man who fights for his family, no matter the circumstance. It gets tough. I know, I've been there. I've been the hormonal pregnant/nursing woman who is never satisfied. We know we're not fun. This period of time only lasts for a little while, though. It's one of the storms in any relationship with children that needs to be overcome. Together.
A father should be a man who not only fights the battles alongside the mother but picks her up when she's down, instead of shoving her even further, as she would do the same. She finds out she's pregnant? Be there. He's not sleeping through the night? Get up with him, too. Take shifts. Parenting isn't only synonymous with motherhood.
A father should be a man who wants to see his child and tries to any chance he gets. Of course, personal time and guy time is very important to maintain your sanity and overall well-being, but your child should see you more than once every few weeks. If you're asked to babysit, the answer shouldn't be: "I'll have to see," then wait until the day of to decide. If you want to see your child, plan to. Don't let him be a second thought, make him a priority.
A father should be a man who provides for his child, even if it's only when he's in your possession. Are you going to make her send bread, milk, eggs and bacon every time he comes over later on in order for him to eat breakfast? No? Oh, then why is his food now any different? You pushed for formula instead of supporting her desire to breastfeed, you get to split the bill. Maintaining a job is also part of this. You don't get to quit just because you don't like waking up early or because you stop enjoying it every day. You now have a child who partially depends on you.
A father should be a man who always considers what's best for his child in every decision he makes, rather than what's best for himself. Clearly, whether or not you have Fruity Pebbles or Cocoa Puffs for breakfast doesn't need to concern your child, but you should always have him in the back of your head. "Will this affect him in any way?" should be a questions you ask daily.
A father should be a man who values the time he has with his child, whether that be the briefest of seconds, a few hours or an entire day. Quality, quality, quality. You could have him three times a week, but if his memories are games and cooking with grandma while dad is off doing Lord knows what, it is as if you never picked him up. Spend time with your child. They are so amazing and can teach you so much. Let them.
A father should be a man who goes to doctors appointments and check-ups, or at least asks about the ones he can't make. Doctors appointments are the only important dates of a little baby's life, but he'll have sports games, plays and recitals to attend later on. He is going to notice if you don't show. Appointments are good practice. Schedule them in. You have to work? Check in on what the doctor said. Show you care.
A father is a man who puts his child first and everything else second.
A father is everything you aren't and everything I think you'll never be.
I don't worry about her because she is strong and has always been independent. She has and will continue to be the best mother I could ask for my nephew. She will always do whatever is necessary to give him what he needs. She doesn't need you.
He does, however. Your son needs you in his life. Not whichever night there isn't a party or whichever day your girlfriend has to stay with her husband. He needs you consistently. When he's older, he'll need to know without a doubt that you love him and will always be there when you need him. He'll need to know that you're reliable, that he can count on you. He'll know these things by your actions and so far, you're failing him. I'm afraid he won't have these understandings solid because you are doing everything to make his older self-doubt you. I'm afraid he'll grow up wondering his worth because his father never saw enough in him to put him first. I'm afraid he'll wonder every day why his father was able to walk away.
There are plenty of fathers out there who would do anything for their child, but aren't allowed the opportunity because other forces are preventing it. So many great fathers aren't allowed to see their children as much as they'd like and take drastic measures to do so when allowed. You're given every opportunity to be a part of your child's life. Why is it so hard to choose him over yourself?
