An Open Letter To The Father That Was Never There For Me

Dear Dad,

Every day I watch movies, TV shows, and yes even in real life, fathers always there for their children, never wanting to let them down. I watch them take their daughters to school, teach them how to tie their shoes, play baseball with their sons, help their children study, be there for them; not only as a mentor through this wicked cold world but as a friend we will never find anywhere else but within you. What I think breaks my heart the most is you never were, and never will be, that person for me.

When I was little, I always stood up for you, even if everyone else knew you were in the wrong as a father. As a child all we want from our parents is love. Growing up and really starting to connect and understand the world around me, I began to see that there is so much more to being a parent then love. Yes, love is very important, but as a father, you not only love, you tough love, you teach, you don't leave when things get hard and return when it doesn't involve your wallet. You stay and you love your children and you do everything you can for them or you learn how to use a condom.

My whole life I watched you let me down as I stood in the shadows letting you. I watched you not pay child support, not buy birthday gifts or Christmas presents. I watched you disappear from me, and leave me and return to my life normally; like you were not in the wrong and like everything was okay. I watched you hurt me and think you had the right not to apologize to me. I watched you do this and I let you.

As I got older I learned that parent or not, I couldn't let you do this to me, but every time I'd explain to you how I felt, it was my fault, it was a teaching lesson that people were always going to let me down, I was a cry baby who needed to grow up, I didn't understand that you were "trying", I didn't understand your past life and wasn't giving you a break, I was holding on to grudges, I needed to be the one to make a step if I wanted to have a relationship with you, my fault, I am in the wrong, you are always right, it's me, it's them...

It's not you.

As a child, you didn't have it good. You'd tell my siblings and me stories that compare to ours. You've been hurt, but it isn't about you anymore it's about wanting better for your kids, something you never did for us. When becoming a parent, the main focus in your life is your kids. It's all about getting them ready for the world, teaching them right from wrong, and helping find who they are, and where they fit in this world.

I am now 20 years old. For 20 years now I've watched you fail me, leave me, blame me and cheat me. You've had your chances with me, it's not about me anymore, it's about my younger siblings, the ones you may do the same to, the ones you may hurt in a way you did my big sister and me. We care and worry for them.

So these are my words to you. You will never get to give me back all those years you missed; being able to watch me grow into the woman my mother taught me to be. You'll never get to teach me how to dance and sing, tie my shoes, play baseball and basketball with me, paint my toenails, hug me and threaten the one boy who broke my heart, watch me go from middle school to high school, listen to petty high school drama, get to drive me around and jam to musical tunes, or the top 50's with me. You will never get to move me into college for my first year. You can't get those years back, you've missed them; not just with me but with my big sister. You have a chance to do better with the younger ones. Don't mess it up, be a better dad, grow up, learn that they are not just one of your friends but your kids. Learn that you are not always right nor are you always the victim. Those two little children of yours are MY siblings and I will not let you do to them what you did to us.

I wish you could have been the father I wanted you to be. I wish you could have loved me like all other fathers did their young ones. I wish I had a dad, but from the way things have gone over 20 years, I never will. I'll be the bigger person to say though that I will always love you.

Love,

The Daughter You'll Never Get To Know.