I don't really know what to say, I'm not sure I'll ever know. I don't think I can ever accurately form a string of words that will truly describe how much this sucks, or how much I'm going to miss you. I don't remember the last thing I said to you. It was probably something meaningless, like "bye". I wish it hadn't been bye. Because even though at the time I thought it was just temporary, I know that now I'm saying goodbye forever.

The songs we used to listen to together are never going to be the same. They're your songs now. Your memory lives in them. I've never felt something more strange than feeling heartbreak through happy music. It's a new and different level of sadness. One that digs deeper into parts of me that I didn't know could ache. One that I hope not many other people have to experience.

Your smile is playing in my head on an endless loop. I know if all else fails, I'll remember that smile, always.

There was a time in my life where I hated how easily I gave away pieces of my heart to others. I was so scared to get too close to anyone. I can say that there is not one part of me that regrets letting you into my life. Not one part of me regrets it because if I still held that fear of loving others, I would have never been able to say that you grew to be a part of my family. I would have never been able to say that the other people struggling through this right now are some of the greatest people I know, and my heart is with all of them. And even though this is a new kind of hell for me, I still feel fearless. Thank you.

The world can be such a cruel place sometimes. But I will not let it take down me, or any of the other people who are feeling what I am feeling. Even though I want, so badly, to be mad. It won't change anything.

The hardest part of writing this is knowing that you'll never see it. And if you were here I wouldn't need to be writing this at all.

I'll miss you forever.

I guess this really is goodbye.