I didn’t know what was going through your mind as you smashed the window. Did you think of all the people who cared about you as you looked down at the ground? Did regret cross your mind in the short amount of time you fell 26 stories? Or did you feel free? I never will know. No one will ever know.
I didn’t know who you were. I wish I had known. I could have convinced you not to do it. Or could I have? At the end of the day, when someone chooses to commit suicide it is their own decision. There is only so much one can say and do.
I think it’s fascinating how we all have a vast world inside of our heads. Every emotion, memory, and perception is completely different from those of the person standing next to us. We are all trapped inside of our own minds.
Our thoughts get too severe and we think too much. We don’t reach out enough in fear of being a burden to others. We care about what others think. We wonder why certain people don’t like us. We wonder what we did wrong. We believe that everything is our fault. We are too hard on ourselves. We feel like the world is against us.
Others are different as well. We struggle because we wonder why we can’t care for anyone of even ourselves. Why we have no emotion. Why we don’t feel anything.
In one moment, the people around 25 Park Place stood still to come into this young man’s world. We forgot about our own priorities, and realized there are others who are trapped in a much more, horrible place.
As I saw the white sheet over your body, I hoped that you had found peace. For all I know, you could have been a boy I sat next to in class. Could you have been someone I would have thought of as “weird?” You were probably just another person I could have seen in passing, not knowing that you were on your way to end your life. If I had known, what would I have done? If you had tried to talk to me, unbeknownst to me the way you feel, would you have been someone I would not have wanted to talk to? Would I have been scared of you? I can not say.
How strange is it, that I am so concerned for my problems such as keeping my grades up, when a boy I could be passing is planning out how to end their life? It’s the parallels of two different worlds that could be right next to each other. No matter how physically close you get to someone, you can never actually show how you perceive or sense the world. Our memories make us who we are. They build up our emotions, including depression, and create perception.
The reason why I write this letter to you is because I have considered taking my life as well. Numerous times. I’ve wondered who would care, who would come to my funeral. Who would cry? Who could care less? How long would it be until I was forgotten? I still sometimes really think that it is truly impossible for anyone to like me, after all the times I’ve been mistreated from everyone I’ve fought hard for. I’ve wasted so much time trying to impress others who seemed as though they could care less, when I made them the center of my world.
Then, there are times I care too little. I lose interest in everything around me. I feel like a burden, and I don’t want to interact with anyone. I lose myself. I forget about pushing forward, taking risks, working hard. And sometimes that all makes it harder for me to come out of what feels like a never ending cycle.
Whatever it was that caused you to make that jump, I have probably felt the same thing too. Even though we all can’t physically cross over into our worlds and take a walk in them, we always have the choice to talk to each other and build strong support systems. Since no one could save you, I’ve decided I want to save others. I want to talk everyone out of suicide. I want to help those who are feeling down, or feel as though they have no connection to anything.
Even though we forget it, at the end of the day we were put on this one, single world for a reason. This is true whether you believe in a religion or not. As human beings, were are so lucky to be formed into these organisms that are blessed with the gifts to breathe, experience, and live. Life is so vast, beautiful and exciting, the problems we have now are so very small and will eventually disappear. I promise.
I will continue my journey with you in my heart. You are loved, no matter who you were. Same with anyone who is reading this right now. You can always come to me with any problems. I don’t turn anyone away, because I know what it is like to be stuck in a black hole. We have to keep supporting each other and push on. It is the only way out of our dark mental worlds.
