It’s that time of the year again. Springtime, the time when all college acceptances for anxious seniors come rolling in. The excitement of acceptances, the anticipation of uncertainty to what lies ahead, the crushing feeling of rejections. Although I had received my college acceptances (and rejections) now two years ago, the whole process still remains very fresh and relevant to me.

My sister is a senior in high school, and if you haven’t seen through my endless Snapchats and Instagram posts, she will very soon be going to college later this year. As the colleges that she applied to began to give their responses in a steady stream, I was there to vicariously share and experience the highs and the lows. And as the end of April draws near, so does the deadline for ultimately choosing where to attend: to submit your SIR.

My high school, and I think other high schools as well, have a tradition of creating a Facebook page of college decisions, aptly named, “-high school name- Class of -year-, College Decisions.” A online space where seniors can share where they will be going to college, to share the joy and excitement. Because I knew a few underclassmen, I joined the page to be able to see the posts.

In the beginning, there were few, but as the months passed, the posts started becoming more frequent. And now they are in full swing. I open my Facebook and will see three announcements, all lined up nicely in a row. My high school was particularly competitive and high achieving, so the majority of kids are going to top tier schools: Ivy Leagues, Stanford, Berkeley, UCLA, (and the occasional UCI :^) ).

Looking through all those posts, seeing the excitement that they’re feeling, thinking back to who I was two years ago, makes me a little envious of them. Not to say that I am not satisfied with where I ended up (because honestly I believe UCI was the best fit for me), but I’m the type of person to often wonder what would happen if I had done something different, if I had changed something. I like to dwell on the what-ifs, as insensible as that may be. And seeing all of the decisions lately has often made me wish that I had tried harder back in high school. Looking back, I don’t think that I truly pushed myself in high school. I did what was expected of me, which was probably on average with the general high school AP/honors course load. I slept everyday before 12, had an okay SAT score, had little extracurriculars outside of school, and generally had a very calm and stress-free high school experience. Compare that to my sister, and so many other students, who took 10+ weighted classes, got extremely engaged in the community, sacrificed both time and sleep, perpetually stressed and even nocturnal, for the sake of their futures. You know, the “high school experience” that everyone will cringe at the mention of.

Is that healthy? Is it worth it? I guess it depends on who you ask. Sometimes I ask myself if I could do it all over again, would I? My answer to that is not a definite no. I think rather than mere jealousy of those being able to go to such colleges, to not only have that prestige, but to have that sense of achievement, to know that they truly earned what they had set out to achieve four years ago. It’s more of a disappointment in myself more than anything.

Recently I had been watching a YouTuber who had something that really resonated with me. As a high school senior, she had made a raw and unedited video speaking about being rejected from her dream school. Although she felt that she was a decent candidate, she realized that what she had still wasn’t enough, or what the college was looking for. She ended her video with advice to her younger audience, giving the advice, “try your best, so you can look back and know you did your best.” And I think I especially needed that. I may not be able to go back and change things, although my thoughts may continue to plague me from time to time, but it’s something I can take with me moving forward. When I complain about my school work, about having to study, about my tests, I don’t want to look back on all of it just to see that I was lazy and gave up half-heartedly. I want to be able to look back on my now college experience and be satisfied with what I had done, to know that I had truly tried my best. When you truly ignore comparisons to others, because your best is your best. Knowing you’ve done your best is when there is nothing else that you could have possibly done. To know when you’ve done your best is to be the most satisfied with yourself, and when I can be truly satisfied with myself. And moving forward in my college career, as difficult as it may be for me (given laziness and constant lack of motivation), I do want to try my best, so I can know I did my best.

Disclaimer: I am perfectly content and happy with where I am now, and believe I am where I am for a reason. So please don't misinterpret me!!