Dear Past Me,
Stop. You're okay. Honestly, everything is not as dramatic as you think. These friendships will end, these boys won't be worth your time, do the things you want to do but stay on this path that you're on... you end up great! But here's a reminder if you get stuck along the way.
I know you think you have to have everything right on track all the time so soon, but trust me, you still don't fully and you don't need to be at either point. You're going to have these bad grades in biology or geometry, and I know you're studying and staying after. I'm so proud of you, sometimes things just don't click and that's fine. Don't be so hard on yourself these just aren't your subjects. You get a bomb score on your ACT, and that's ultimately all that matters. Either way, you win. When it comes to senior year, you don't have to know that you want to be a nurse just because of CNA, you won't be a nurse, but enjoy that class, it'll change your life and so will the people in it, be thankful and cherish that semester more than anything.
Girlfriend, I know you think this "emo" stage early on is cute, it's not, but if you're going to do it, own that, heck, go all out, if people judge a bubble emo cheerleader, let them. (*As I currently listen to my throwback "pop to punk" playlist). I know you feel like you have to be dark because you feel like the world is crashing because of silly things and that you don't have anyone by your side (because let's face it, they were petty things), continue writing in your journal. I wish you wouldn't have ripped it up, it was a healer. You'll never really leave this dark stage, it'll just get classier! *hair flips* You'll learn one day, these minor details were just the depression clouds growing into something more down the road, and even then, just breathe, you're not alone, truly. Your so-called "friends" are NOT your friends, do not waste time worrying about making them happy instead of yourself, trust me, they wouldn't do the same for you. They are not worth your tears. Sure, give them a second change, but not a third, fourth, or fifth they are not deserving. I know you do this because you have such a big heart and also feel like they will be your only friends, no.
When it comes to your first date freshman year, you'll enjoy it. When it comes to your first kiss sophomore year, don't worry, you did fine, nothing to be scared of it was a great date, but don't get hung up on this guy, when you break up after a month, move on, he wasn't that into you - oops. I know you think you're in love when junior year and senior year comes around. Enjoy this as much as you can because it won't last and don't expect it to, you'll learn that things change, people change, and you will fall in love again with someone else (lol, don't worry though, it hasn't happened yet or for a long time, thank goodness), but be thankful he was the first love you had. When you break up, pick yourself up, be strong. Things just change and you can't help that. It wasn't your fault he left, you did everything you could have. I wish you wouldn't have quit cheerleading because of that. I wish you wouldn't have dropped your friends because of that. I wish you wouldn't have been inactive in your senior year because of that. Heck, you'll fail classes your freshman year of college because of that, but also because you just don't understand the subjects, again, that's more than fine, get the credit and move on. C's and D's get degrees, right? Stupid GenEds.
You'll change your major anyway, trust me, this was the best decision you can make. Thank Professor Harney as much as you can for that! Transferring sophomore year wasn't scary, right? I'm so proud of you for doing this. THIS was the best decision you could make, I promise you'll fall in love with this school more and more by the day. MSU EagleNation! You were meant to be here. I'm proud that you made friends, I'm proud that you went to the gym, I'm proud of you for stepping out there, I'm proud that you studied - even if your depression kicked in more of the time and you skipped classes often, you still made those good grades! I know it's hard having a boyfriend who goes to a different school, but you've got your girlfriends, they will take care of you. But be prepared, this relationship won't last either come the end of the semester.
Coming into junior year this year, you're whole life will change and when I say change, I mean it. You're a different person and for that, I cannot be more proud and happy of/for you. Your entire personality is going to change, and I know you couldn't care less so own it. No one can stop you. You're a boss, girlfriend. You'll lose a few friends but now you've got the best of friends you've ever had by your side, you've got a bomb roommate, you've met so many new people and are so much more active with those friends than you would have been, you're getting out there, you're not letting people walk all over you, you're so strong with emotions- and maybe too strong, you found your passion and you're making a life you're excited for and actually want/need!
I'm not saying you're not going to have a bad day or 70, but be thankful you have realized how to help yourself during it and not depend on anyone else for anything, especially that. It's okay to go out and have fun - you're safe and know your boundaries. It's okay to go on a date then never talk to him again, it's okay to kiss different people - that DOES NOT make you a slut, it's okay to skip your first class so you can cuddle with your roommate after a bad night before, and it's even okay to have a random turnt-up Monday night in the room.
Girl, get back in that gym, go see a tutor for finance, and make this next year and half YOURS!! Out of everything, I'm glad everything has happened the way it did to lead you to this point, I just wish you weren't so hard on yourself during it. Trust me, life couldn't be better right now. Listen to my words on how proud I am of you and that you are not alone, I'm here, things get so much better. BE POSITIVE!
Six years ago to today sure had a lot to offer, and I can't wait to see where we are six years from today.
I love you so much, girl.
Xoxo.
