To My Best Friend That Moved

To my best friend who moved away. When I look back on our friendship, all I can think are happy thoughts. We were the two kids on top of the world. We had so many fun times together, you and I had a relationship like no other. I knew every detail about you and you knew everything about me which, sadly includes my ongoing struggle with anxiety and depression and how it is hard for me to communicate my feelings with anyone.

So, when you reached the stage in your life when you were ready to branch out and start on a new adventure, I was so excited, happy and overjoyed for you but at the same time, I felt as if I was being abandoned, even though I knew differently. I knew we would still be friends, no matter what because we were just that close but at the same time, I started withdrawing from our conversations and closing myself behind a door of fear because I knew you weren't going to be right down the road anymore.

Now that it's been a hell of a long time since you left, we have maybe talked twice and I still consider you my best friend. You have attempted to contact me and continue our relationship but I was always too "busy" to talk; in all reality, I would go into my bedroom throw my head on my pillow, scream as loud as I could till it eventually turned into a pitiful cry. I tried to make myself hate you, but all in the same time I missed you and wanted to tell you everything that has happened in my life since you left, and I wanted to hear about yours, but my anxiety gets in the way of all of that, it tells me you have forgotten me, that you think I am a waste of your time, which scares me to think about, because I love you to death, I want the very best for you, so I simply take myself out of the picture. In all reality, I am a hazard to my own well being by doing this.

Anxiety is a silent killer, it takes away any sliver of joy in my life and tells me I am not good enough for anybody or anything. When I finally grasp at the chance to live my life "normally" without the anxious feeling of always wanting to run away, anxiety rolls back into the picture and tells me I can't, and the sad thing is, I believe it. I shut my life down only to finally gain the courage to do something again and try to seize the moment, only to realize it is long gone. So, to my best friend that moved, I am not trying to push you away or ignore you; I have trapped myself in a prison, I have dug in my own fear, and I am trying to get help but until I have reached security in my own life, I wish you the best, I love and miss you, I stand behind you in everything you do, and I only hope we can become close again, I wish you would do the same for me.