Tinder. I don't remember my first interaction with Tinder, but I imagine it was 2013 -- or the summer of 2014 -- when I was in a long distance relationship and bored. I've never taken Tinder seriously; my friends and I use it like a video game. Some describe it as window shopping for people. As we become more technologically savvy and socially awkward, Tinder becomes the prime mating spot for the shy and uncomfortable. My friend's aunt is engaged to someone she met on Tinder. I lost a seven year best friend because of her dedicated relationship to a boy she met on Tinder. So, do dating apps bring us together or apart? Who cares. They're full of innuendos and wordplay, which for 3 a.m. on a Monday night isn't so bad.
Out of a lack of inspiration for this post, I re-downloaded Tinder. All my matches came flooding back, with our messages, as if never deleted. Odds are, out of 996 matches, there are probably at least two or three guys in there I could really hit it off with. But since hitting it off with someone isn't interesting, I tried counting how many have an animal in their main picture, like a puppy or a monkey -- which would be my reason for swiping right. My ADD got me counting to (almost) double digits before calling it quits. Thus, I've decided to share with you the breeds of Tinder men, as experienced in the wild. Do not be fooled -- the exact same breeds lurk amongst us every day, typing such messages in your calculus class, or in line at the grocery store. Enjoy, be inspired, and keep swiping right in hopes of finding your soulmate in the palm of your hand on a screen (or, at the least, temporary amusement).
Foreign guy.
I don't know what this means, but I also don't care, because if we met in person we wouldn't have to talk as much because language barrier. Hence my love of travel.
The Foodie
There was no bull in his picture.
Storyteller.
Loves to hear himself talk. Likes to cause arguments just to prove he is right. Majors in finance or something boring. Expects a housewife. Has severe childhood issues which he projects onto meaningless sex with meaningless girls on Tinder. Thinks this paragraph will actually work. Is afraid of commitment.
High schooler.
He looks older than he is, and isn't as cynical as you. What could go wrong? Everything. Never underestimate the feelings of a pubescent boy, in lust for the first time, who wants to lose his virginity before graduation.
Jokester.
The jokes are never funny because he's afraid of offending people. Good thing he has you.
Freud.
I'm a psychology major, which means I'm the one asking the questions here. This is not one of them.
Frat boy.
At least he has a reason.
Try-hard who sends the same message on every match.
I imagine this guy to be the type of guy that would be my father, if I had a father. Slightly overbearing, not spontaneous, kinda creepy sits-in-a-camping-chair-in-the-garage-watching-neighbor-children-play kinda guy.
Pirate hunting for booty.
Goes to clubs on the weekends. Drinks Hennessy out of the bottle.
Sweet one who makes no sense.
This is the boy my high school friends would point me towards. Quiet, coffee-drinking, brooding musician, starving artist, tortured writer. If by forest fire you mean that I'll spread rapidly and cause all sorts of damage then you're probably right.
SOMF obsessed.
No explanation needed.
Updated Netflix and chill.
He's up and coming. He's got Yeezys. He can't afford his rent so he's crashing on his friend's couch, but they have a mirror above their round shaped bed.
Doofus.
His jokes aren't funny and he's not that cute.
Chances of actually being Native American: 0
This joke doesn't make sense and no one uses CDs anymore.
Due to my current course entitled, Freedom in America, I'd argue that America is not truly free and neither am I.
There you have it. We have one out of 26 letters in common in the names that were chosen for us.
