*DISCLAIMER: This is a satire, meaning this piece is not meant to be factual, and the goal of this is to invoke humor and is not meant to offend anyone, including athletes of a particular sport or the sport itself, and do not reflect my feelings toward Tiger Woods*
MIAMI GARDENS, FL-- It's been over ten years since Tiger Woods last won a major championship, when he won the US Open in La Jolla. Since then, well let's say recent history hasn't been so great for Tiger. He rarely wins championships and simply being in contention has been a struggle. He has missed the cut over the past several years more often than he's made it.
But there is a silver lining to all these newfound free weekends.
"I've found myself with more time to spend because while you guys have spent your much-deserved weekends watching me on TV all these years, I've been missing cuts and having more spare time and Saturdays and Sundays," Woods said, "I tried everything to pass the time at first."
After Woods tried frisbee golf, putt-putt golf and the EA Sports golf game that he himself is featured on the cover of, he realized it was time to find a better hobby.
"I was shocked at first," recalls Top Golf Nashville bartender John Diaz, "I was just going about my work that day, pouring rosè for some blonde women, and there was Tiger Woods himself just waltzing into Top Golf. Of course, the first thing he did was get the ladies' numbers and impressed them with a shot straight from his Phoenix Open win. They all went home together, I don't know anything that happened afterward."
That was his first of many visits to Top Golfs around the country. Manny Simpson, regional manager of Top Golf's Texas locations, began to notice the buzz around Tiger's visits to locations around the state.
"People would go nuts when he showed up," said Simpson, "But he would often have these disappointing results, he would shank and, like half-hit the balls. He would also swing and miss. I even remember hearing about hitting a ball backwards once or twice. Thank goodness nobody was directly hit."
Sill, people want more Tiger. People are always flocking to SportsCenter to hear the latest on this buzz-generating golfer. But analyst Bill Williams says these people are always going to be disappointed.
"They always get their hopes up. Then they always are let down. He just cannot produce results like he could in his prime. His fans are doing the same thing each time and expecting a different result. That is the dictionary definition of insanity. His fans are insane."
But something happened this time that was different. Woods, on his way to South Beach with an unknown female companion (none of my closest sources know anything about this young woman), stopped at Top Golf Miami Gardens. After the standard hype machine from excited amateurs at the bar, Tiger stepped up to the tee and everyone expected the hype to die down as he would begin his mediocre-shot fiesta.
But this time, something was in the air.
"At first, he his a nice shot or two, okay, that's great," said Top Golf customer Jimmy Joseph, "but suddenly he started to hit above-average shot after above-average shot. We all starting cheering like it was 2005 at Augusta National, then he'd shank a drive and we'd all be like 'bummer,' I knew our hopes were just too high. But then he'd hit another good shot to redeem himself and it was great again. I looked at my friend and whispered in his ear, 'it's happening.'"
"It" was happening, by "it" I mean the cable sports talk shows once again halted their daily debates on whether Jordan or LeBron was better and shifted their attention to the later Tiger Woods story.
"Do you know what this means!," exclaimed Marcus Gains, anchor of ESPN's WokeCenter, "Tiger shot a 170 at the driving range, and he did it drunk! His score was good for fourth at that location that day! He is back!"
With only Jim Bob McFarland, Bubba McDowell, and Phil from Duck Dynasty finishing above Woods, the sports media continued their soliloquy on Tiger.
"Tiger Woods didn't lose," said Golf blogger known by the name of Lil Swingy, "The other three competitors just had better scores that day. Tiger is the true winner here. It's a huge moral victory for him."
Each time Tiger Woods accomplishes something that even remotely symbolizes his prime years, it will always be a frenzy. But for his fans sake, let's all hope for more Tiger Titles down the road.