When I was in eighth grade, we learned in Health class that exercise released endorphins, which, in turn, make you happier. What I heard at that time was, “If you feel shitty, exercise will make everything better.” I scoffed at this. You might think that people don’t actually scoff in real life, but, no, I assure you, I literally scoffed. “That’s not true,” I whispered to my best friend, who was used to my know-it-all in-class commentary. Normally, she’d agree with me just so I’d shut up, but this time she tried to reason that it was scientifically proven and that there was no way that I had outwitted medical professionals. Of course, being myself, I was already convinced that I knew better than the health science community. It’s important to note that at this time, I had a very toxic relationship with exercise and was on the verge of a nervous breakdown as well. I was working out because I wanted to be toned and fit like an Olympian gymnast. My self-esteem was low and I was fitful with undiagnosed anxiety and depression. Working out didn’t make me feel good. It made me feel bad. I would never be good enough no matter how hard I tried.
Fast forward five years and I’ve been in an on-again-off-again relationship with exercise for as long as I can remember. I’ve never been able to commit to a workout routine, and I think that’s because I’ve always exercised for the wrong reasons. Exercise to me has always been a competition. A competition with myself. A competition with the world. So now I’m on a mission to redefine my relationship with working out. In order to do that, I’m trying to exercise for at least 10 minutes every day. Unlike before, I’m not looking to lose weight or prove myself worthy; I’m just trying to enjoy the benefits of endorphins. I would be lying if I said that I had conquered my self-esteem issues and accepted my body for what it is, but I’d like to think I'm in the process. Now that I know that endorphins aren’t supposed to be a magic cure, it’s much easier for me to appreciate their effects. Exercise can be relaxing and detoxing, but only if you’re doing it for the right reasons.
