So, I'm a horrible friend, if I'm being honest. I tend to steer conversations towards myself when the situation is uncalled for, on weekends I make excuses to keep from having to come out of my room and socialize with other human beings, and sometimes I open my mouth and speak without thinking which results in hurt feelings and tense interactions with others. Even though I try to do everything right, Murphy's Law has shown that it can easily kick a girl when she's down (and make sure she stays down there). Maybe it's because I was an awkward child who didn't know how to make friends with her socially active classmates (which is true, sadly enough) or it's the crippling anxiety that I blame every single day. Who knows?
Either way, I'm not a good person and now everyone knows it, but that doesn't bother me at all. What does bother me, however, is that I've left some people hanging out to dry without giving them proper explanations, and that's opened Grand Canyon sized rifts between us.
So here we are.
To the Makeup Obsessed:
First off, I want to tell you that I'm sorry. As our friendship progressed I began to doubt myself more and more, especially once your boyfriend came along. I felt like a spare tire that wasn't needed, and instead of talking to you about it like I know that I should have, I pushed myself away because I felt like you didn't need me. Let's be honest, though, you had your own faults too that I didn't feel comfortable with, but I should have learned to cope better than I did. You were my best friend for years and I loved you through every second of it; I should have adapted better and learned how to loosen up a little but instead I blamed you and made excuses.
I'm sorry that I put other people before you sometimes. I grew to take you for granted because no matter what happened, you were always there.
I'm sorry that I made you doubt yourself. You are a beautiful, wonderful human being and I am so glad that I was able to get to know you for everything that lies underneath that pretty face. You're going to rule college and be so successful in life, and one day you'll be happy.
To the Rescuer:
I am so sorry for making you feel inadequate and like I didn't want to be around you. You are hilarious and so, so beautiful inside and out with the way that you care for others and don't hesitate to adopt animals in need even if you don't have enough room. This world doesn't deserve someone as amazing and life changing as you.
I miss taking pictures every time we went out. I miss taking days to go swim or fish in dirty ponds in the middle of nowhere. I miss making faces at each other when we didn't really have much to say. I miss everything. I wish we could still talk about the stupidest things like aliens or blanket forts, and most of all I miss you. I treated you the same way that I treated everyone else, and I feel horrible. I know that apologies don't make the situation better, but I need to apologize because it's the right thing for me to do. I need to apologize so that in thirty years when you look back on old photographs, you won't still hate me and resent me for taking up your time.
I've apologized so many times in the last nine months that I know this article doesn't carry much meaning, but I am so sick and tired of saying everything that you guys wanted to hear just because I didn't want us to fight. This time, I'm telling the truth and if you hate me, or never want to speak to me again, I understand. But neutrality is better than hatred, right?
