Loving me isn't easy. I've slowly come to terms with the fact that I have flaws that aren't easy to accept. I admit that I'm not perfect, far from actually. But I try every day to be better. As I sit here thinking about what I want to say to you all that comes to mind at first is that I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I overthink even the slightest.
I'm sorry that I jump to conclusions.
I'm sorry that as a defense mechanism I shut down and become cold to save myself from getting hurt.
I'm sorry I'm not use to having someone there to help make my bad days better. So even if you do I won't admit it.
I'm sorry I'm skeptical that you'll stay because all I've experienced is people walking away.
I'm sorry I have a guard up and it took longer to break down my walls then you'd like.
I'm sorry I don't say how I'm feeling towards you more often and may come across emotionless because I'm scared that if I keep falling you won't want to catch me one day.
I'm sorry that I have opinions and sometimes that forms an argument because I'm stubborn.
I'm sorry that I overanalyze the smallest of things.
I'm sorry that I get overwhelmed so easily.
I'm sorry I'd rather sit on the floor and picnic in the house then a fancy date every week.
I'm sorry that I look forward to cuddling and falling asleep in your arms over anything else.
I'm sorry that when I do get hurt I say things I don't mean.
I'm sorry that my temper flies out of control sometimes.
I'm sorry that I hate depending on other people.
I'm sorry I hold on to future plans too literally because I finally accepted having a future with someone else and I'm struggling to accept deviations from it.
I'm sorry I'm selfish and I'm sorry I'm sometimes not.
I'm sorry that I always do the 'wrong' thing because I clearly never know what the 'right' thing is.
I'm sorry that I'm not simple. That what I feel and how I think isn't simple.
I'm sorry that I don't have my life figured out.
But before I can apologize to you- I stop myself. I've apologized way too many times for who I am and I'm not doing it again. It's not fair to me.
I'm not a great person, but I'm not horrible. I have all these flaws but I'm still there for you.
I still ask how you slept and how your day went.
I'm still concerned about your well being and how you're feeling.
I still aim to make you laugh and smile every chance I got.
I still dropped anything to help you.
I still tell the truth.
I still put my bad feelings aside so they don't hurt you.
And regardless of anything we go through I never falter in wanting you and loving you.
I try every day to be the best flawed person I can be and if you can't see that then there's nothing I can do but say I'm sorry for you. My flaws made me unloveable in your eyes, were your flaws made me love you more.