Being a diabetic has taught me many lessons about myself. To start, I should tell you a little bit about my dead pancreas. Sadly, my poor organ died when I was five-years-old. My little brain wasn’t aware of the consequences then because I was more worried about entering the first grade. I’ve now had this complication for almost 13-years. I suppose I got this because someone thought I was taking my pancreas for granted and didn’t know how important it was to my body. I used to have a terrible mindset about it; continuously asking “Why me?" However, as I learned more and more about this disease, I also learned more and more about myself.
If any of you knew me, you’d be well aware of my terrible attitude. I tend to be a sarcastic, self-depreciating little thing. But, little did I know, it gets worse! When my blood sugar levels are low I exude extreme irritability and unusual amounts of eye rolls. In the typical Type 1, symptoms of hypoglycemia, or low blood sugar, include unusual mood changes, paleness, dizziness and sometimes extreme laziness. I’m talking rolling out of bed, dragging-your-feet-across-the-floor-because-you-don’t-have-the-energy-to-pick-them-up lazy. Aside from the usual meaningless arguments I have with my mother, I tend to get ticked off even more when I’m low. It’s kind of a red flag for her, though, because instead of arguing back, she’ll just tell me to go check my sugar. She’s the only one that knows this because when I’m like this around my friends they just get offended and stay away from me. They’ve told me I have multiple personalities because as soon as my sugar returns to normal my attitude has completely changed. Sometimes I don’t even remember being low, and have completely forgotten everything that happened within that 45-minute time frame. People have had conversations with me and I won’t remember a thing. They get mad at me and accuse me of not listening but then I just tell them “I’m sorry, my pancreas must’ve been talking louder than you”.
Living with this disease has revealed many strengths I didn’t know I had. I live in a constant state of worry, and it’s not just because I’m a college student. I give the phrase “damsel in distress” a whole new meaning. If I’m not worrying about schoolwork, I’m worrying about my blood sugars. If I’m not worrying about my blood sugars, I’m worrying about why I’m not worrying about them. I’ve also learned I’m a professional when it comes to treating lows. When a diabetic’s sugar is low, they need a certain amount of carbohydrates and proteins to bring it back up and maintain a normal level. I’ve become adept at eating almost a whole meal while doing anything you could think of. I’ve eaten a PB&J sandwich while running sprints at track practice. I’ve drank a juice box and eaten a pack of peanuts and three sticks of beef jerky while canoeing down the Greenbrier River. I’ve also had to treat lows at the gym, but they’re a bit easier to blend into my routine because no one thinks twice if you eat a protein bar and chug a bottle of Gatorade after you do a couple rounds of cardio. They do, however, think twice if they see a bean pole of a girl, such as myself, down twice the number of calories in a couple of minutes than their personal trainer told them to consume in an entire day. It’s fun to watch their faces when I sit on a mat and pull the whole snack isle from Walmart out of my gym bag.
I’ve realized I don’t focus on what most others focus on. For instance, being a girl mandates that I wear cute things like dresses and skirts. I’ve just recently started doing this; I used to wear t-shirts and sweatpants every day of my life. When I go shopping for said dresses and skirts, instead of my first thought being “Would I look good in this?” my first thought is actually “Where can I put my insulin pump without looking like I’m shoplifting”? I also think about where I can put it so it won’t fall to the ground. Most people are terrified to drop their $600 phone, but I’m terrified of dropping my $5,000 excuse of a pancreas. Not only will it hurt when it rips out of my skin, it’ll also hurt my bank account.
At the end of the day, I think I’m pretty grateful for the life I’ve been given. I would have never known how far I could push my limits if it weren’t for this disease testing me every day of my life. I’ve become a stronger person due to diabetes, and am still growing stronger. New stresses and opportunities are going to find me all throughout life and I would be scared of them if I didn’t have to deal with the stresses of a dead pancreas. It isn’t every day that someone can eat their weight in snacks and still be hungry an hour later because their bodies have already burned through the food consumed to avoid passing out. Instead of worrying about college classes all of the time, I get to worry about college classes, if my pump makes my clothes look like I have a perfectly square protruding hip bone, and if I don’t eat within a certain amount of time, I get to worry about if I can last until I’m able to find a quick fix before I go down for a nap that I might not wake up from. My pancreas may be dead, but I am truly grateful for the things I’ve been able to discover because of it.
