At long last, it looks like Spicey is signing off.
That's right — on Friday, Sean Spicer, President Trump's White House Press Secretary, officially announced his resignation from the position. It appears he was peeved with the work environment, like Trump making him spout outright fallacies... and Trump claiming he wasn't "performing" well enough... and Trump taking something Spicey said and directly contradicting it whilst Spicey attempts to contradict the contradictions.
He dealt with all that, plus Melissa McCarthy masquerading as him every week and zipping around the streets of New York on a motorized podium.
Needless to say, Sean has had a pretty rotten six months at work.
... Wait, it was only six months?
That's correct, Old Spice was only White House Press Secretary for six months— including those weird periods where Mike Huckabee's daughter was hanging around for some reason and doing his job. To be clear, he says he's gonna hang around until August— consider it his "two weeks notice."
But really, you'd think the dude would've hung around a little longer. To compare, here are some short-lived things that lasted a little longer than the Spice Cabinet. (Okay, I'll try to stop with the Spicer puns.)
1. J. Lo's marriage to the director of one of her music videos.
Jennifer Lopez married this dude named Cris Judd back in 2001. They didn't really appear to hit it off though— the marriage lasted 218 days, about a month longer than Spicey was at the podium in the West Wing.
2. The Cleveland Browns' tenure of Johnny Football.
Johnny Manziel, the 2012 Heisman Trophy winner from Texas A&M, started his rookie season with the woebegone Cleveland Browns in 2015. Little did the poor city of Cleveland know, Johnny was "an arrogant little prick" who never lived up to the hype surrounding him and kept getting in trouble off the field. The Browns cut him in March 2016.
As the son of a lifelong Cleveland fan, I feel like I should ask... Spicey, do you wanna come QB for the Brownies?
3. The run-time of "Freaks and Geeks."
This fantastic show featuring future knock-outs James Franco, Seth Rogen, and Jason Segel somehow only ran for one season from 1999 to 2000. But we can at least savor more of this high school sit-com than we can of Sean's antics.
But hey, Sean, you've got some free time now. "Freaks and Geeks" is on Netflix, so, uh, *nudge, nudge*, get on it.
4. The War of Jenkins' Ear.
SURPRISE HISTORY LESSON.
So long story short, way back in 1731, this British sea captain had a bunch of Spanish sailors climb aboard his ship and chop his ear off. Nobody seemed to give a damn until eight years later when British Parliament was all like, "OY, SPAIN, YA CAN'T JUST BE COMIN' ONTO OUR BOATS. RIGHT, MATE, LET'S GO, LET'S 'AVE A NICE WAR, EH?"
This stupid war went on for eight years. Imagine if Trump somehow managed to serve two full terms, and then imagine fighting a war over someone's severed ear for that long.
5. That time WWE tried to start a football league.
Back in 2001, WWE— then called World Wrestling Federation, because people still didn't realize that stuff is just entertainment -— went in on a joint venture with NBC and started the first season of the XFL. It was supposed to be like the National Football League, but more XTREME or something like that.
There were apparently fewer rules, which allowed more players to get the ever-loving shit beaten out of them during games. Oh, plus, there were off-field drama sequences and beatdowns, just like in WWE. With eight teams, like the New York/New Jersey Hitmen, the Chicago Enforcers, the Memphis Maniax, and the Los Angeles Xtreme, the XFL played one single season.
Maybe Sean could start up a revival. He could restyle himself as Seaxxxn Spixxxer (gotta get maximum use out of the letter 'x' so people know he's XTREME), start a team called the Washington Press Pool, and pick a fight with the President (a frequent guest star on old cheesy WWE skits).
6. Jeb Bush's 2016 presidential campaign.
Oh, Jeb... Poor Jeb's campaign, which started out so certain for the GOP nomination, lasted a little over eight months.
Y'know, Spicey used to be a White House staffer for Jeb's brother George. I shit you not, he was the White House Easter bunny one year (see below). Maybe Spice-Spice-Baby would have gotten a better gig under Jeb...
Sorry, Spicey - we've all had that one job in our lives where our boss was an asshole and had no idea what he was talking about. Do what you gotta do, home-Spice. I mean... you can always be a professional Easter bunny.
