As my 21st birthday creeps closer, I feel neither older nor wiser. Lil’ ol' angst ridden 16-year-old me expected this day to be much bigger, for lack of a better word. In the near delusional naivety that accompanies one’s teenage years, I expected by this age to have already met the love of my life (ha), found mainstream success as a writer (haha) and been on the fast track to medical school (hahahahahaha). If phonetic laughter between parentheses is not cynical enough to clue you into how far my life has veered off from the rainbow road I once set for myself, let me be clear; Donald Trump is closer to becoming the first oompa-loompa Nobel laureate than I am to becoming a betrothed author and physician. However, this is not where I break down into hysterical Kim K. crying face. I’m not disappointed with the person I am today. My goals have changed. Yes, a lot of them are still yet to be met, but I genuinely believe the very pursuit of them is molding me into a greater person day by day. In 21 years of life, I have ricocheted from blinding, all consuming optimism to harrowing pessimism. I have wanted things for the wrong reasons and I have missed out on good things all because I was afraid I didn’t deserve them or that I would fail at them. I have learned many things; but, since I anticipate 31-year-old-me to be even snarkier than current me, I refuse to leave written evidence behind of youthful worldviews that will one day be cringe-worthy. You’re welcome, future me! Instead, on the cusp of celebrating surviving 21 years of life, allow me to articulate some of the things I have yet to learn.
Not to Take Things Personally
Despite my extensive servitude in the retail industry, I have yet to develop a thick skin. If I have an exceptionally rude customer, I will think about it for the rest of the day. If someone cuts me off on the highway, I will think about it all day. Hell, if my mom takes my brother to Target without me, rest assured, I will revert to aforementioned 16-year-old angst. I like being emotional and compassionate and empathetic. But if I could just downgrade from President of the Sensitivity Club to Secretary, that’d be awesome.
Organizational Skills
I am messy. The most intimate partner I’ve had in bed is the pile of outfits I decided against on the first morning of school. This pile now lives on the right side of the bed, approximately 2 feet away from their original home, the closet. Will I ever reunite them with their family, the hangers and the shelves? Eventually, sure. But probably not until my mom yells at me.
The Value of Working Hard for Yourself
Who comes in to work early when called? Me. Who stays later at work when needed? Me. Who will finish a group project if everyone else “forgot” to do their parts? Me. Who has finished the book they’ve been trying to write for, give or take, half a decade? ... Not me. I will work tremendously hard to help other people reach their goals, which is not necessarily a bad quality, but I consistently fail to translate that perseverance to my own life. Is it because no one’s there to watch and cheer me on? Is it because I have the ability to set my own deadlines in my life, and therefore have the ability to push them back like a gazillion years? All I know is that books don’t write themselves (believe me, I've tried to convince them otherwise).
To Stop Flaking on People
Dear Dijana, if you said you were going to go out, you should go out.
Sincerely,
The ugly, mopey person you become when you stay in too many Friday nights.
You are Allowed to Quit
I cannot admonish myself every time I give up on something. It is OK, and expected, to try things you suck at or try things you thought you’d like or try things because you thought that’s what you were supposed to do, and hate them. And stop doing them. I don’t have to be a doctor because I feel the need to redeem myself for not going away to a big college. I put this belief in my head and I have the power to kick it out. Granted, if I had realized this before an entire year of Ochem, sophomore year would have been less painful. But, better late than never. Stop feeling guilty.
Eat Healthier
Fruit good. Cookie OK. Five cookies bad. Five cookies past midnight, only acceptable if you’re crying. Otherwise, cut it out.
Stop Being Materialistic
I wasn’t like this as a kid. I didn’t like to ask my parents for stuff. Even if I didn’t have the stuff everyone else did, it really didn’t bother me. Now that I’m equipped with my own income, too much of it goes to clothes and shoes and makeup and desk organizers and monogrammed mugs, etc. I should have about twice the amount in my savings account as I do now. But I don’t. I do however have about seven reusable water bottles scattered between my house and my car. Who needs to backpack across Europe when I’m so well hydrated?
Don’t Romanticize Everything
Half of the time something or someone disappoints me, it’s my own fault. I put people on pedestals and when I realize they are normal and human and sometimes dumb just like me, I’m underwhelmed. But at the same time, I don’t want to have low expectations and constantly be surprised that nothing is as horrible as I anticipated. So, glass half full? Half-empty? Glass is actually a mug? Filled with coffee? Yeah, that’s better.
And lastly,
I Will Be Fine
Every time I think the world is ending, it doesn’t. Every time I think “Wow, seriously? This is it, this is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done,” I manage to do something dumber next time! If I could spare myself the panic and strain on my heart, I would be better off. But, I know better than anyone that the next dumb decision I make will come with its very own set of melodramatics. You know, sometimes it’s not even a dumb decision. Sometimes the reaction comes unprovoked. Maybe I won’t outgrow this. Maybe I’m just a diva. Whatever. I’ll be fine.
