As an unapologetic Yankees fan, this comes as no surprise: we're simply that great. Although my team has been faring decently this season, they were recently swept by their rival, the Boston Red Sox, losing all four games in a row. Now, there are plenty of tragic moments in sports history, but this was so tragic that here are some things I'd rather experience than witness that happening again.
1. Shove my hands in ice cold water
2. Drink sriracha sauce
My spice tolerance is in the negatives, and I'd still rather do this. There's nothing a glass of cold milk can't fix.
3. Lose a sock from every pair I own
Losing a single game out of three or four games is fine, but the Yankees losing all four is like losing whole pairs of socks within days. At least single socks can be mixed and matched.
4. Eat a raw onion
Who cares about bad breath? Gum and mints can eradicate bad breath, but they can't stop the Yankees from losing four games in a row.
5. Run a lap in Texas summer heat
This one's exercise and therefore healthy anyways. Maybe if I train more it'll help the team I support win more. That's exactly how osmosis works.
6. Walk to the boba store only to find it closed
7. Trap myself in a room full of legos on the ground while barefoot
8. Sit through a three hour chemistry lecture
Even a monotone professor's voice can't numb the pain of losing so many times in a row and seeing our postseason chances diminishing.
9. Accidentally call my professor "mom"
At least it's a term of endearment. I see the classroom as my home.
10. Become a Patriots fan for a day
Just kidding, nothing can be worse than this.
