She grew up being the loud one. The one who would always call out in class because she thought she knew the answer before everyone else did. The same girl who decided that it was okay to run up and down the hallway in the kindergarten wing, and quickly get caught. She was the girl who everyone knew was coming. There wasn't much private information about her, even at an early age. Everyone was her best friend, and everyone she encountered had a small piece of her.She didn't know it would be used against her. She always found herself getting into trouble because of that "smart mouth," and "being too grown for her age." Was that really her fault? She didn't ask to be in the situation she was in, but time and time again she tried to change her mind and her circumstances.
Oh how young she was to be able to realize something more was going on. Apartment, home. Apartment, home again. Home, Home, townhouse, home. Rides to school became a bit further each time, and explanations became longer and longer. Eventually, she wasn't dishing out the jokes, she became the joke. Those same friends decided it was their time, and she simply moved aside and let them. She allowed them to talk about her size, her hair, her everything. She let them label her and slander her name because she didn't realize what they were saying. Everyone was cool with her, right? Everyone was her best friend? But in return, she told their secrets, spread lies about her, and even turned a whole class against her in the eight grade. Dramatic, was what they called her. Unwilling to listen, they said. She tried to come full circle and just couldn't do it.
The same girl attempted to surround herself with positive people. She went through high and low phases. "Mood swings" is that what they call them? She was mean, and then nice, and then mean again... but that's what they told her. Birthday after birthday came along and she promised she would change, and to be completely honest she did. Sadly, no one noticed. She was popular wherever she went, but she was tired. She was tired of being the topic of conversation. She was tired of people claiming her as theirs. She was tired of the constant "But you grew up here!" and the "everyone loves you regardless!" No one realized what her mind was doing to her. No one knew that solitude was good for some, but left her in an overthinking and self blaming state. She just wanted people to love who she was becoming. She wanted her friends and family to notice, but they seemed to be stuck in her past.
She decided it was time. It was time to speak up for herself and change because she knew she wanted to, not because others would approve of it. Of course when she was more to herself people asked questions. Being quiet was abnormal, so they associated it with being angry. If she smiled too much, she was being fake. She could laugh loudly at something extremely funny, and there she goes being obnoxious again.The difference now is, she was trying. She tried harder than ever to make herself appear to be better than she was yesterday. Her only goal was to beat herself, and absolutely nothing else mattered. No one else mattered. She celebrated the small victories and realized that in the end, the opinion and consent of others was even less important than before.
Now, she knew if she was upset or down it wasn't because of anyone else. The change was and is for the better. She didn't allow anyone else to effect her mood. She didn't let their words cut her. She was determined to be who God made her to be, whether they liked it or not. Her circumstances did not define her, nor did her age or the color of her skin.
She is Powerful.
She is Optimistic.
She is Independent.
That's her.
She learned the same lesson time and time again...
There's always room to learn, and there's always room to grow.
"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude."
-Maya Angelou
