I have Clinical Depression. My body does not properly regulate serotonin and the results are periodic bouts of depressive episodes marked by the typical symptoms: apathy, mental fatigue, random crying, aches and pains, a deep sadness, detachment and severe physical fatigue.
That's the worst part.
Even if my rational mind can combat the negative stream of thought patterns that arise during these periods (ex. "I will never feel happiness again, there's something wrong with me, it will never get better, nothing matters, its all going to fall apart, etc."), there is nothing I can do about the physical symptoms, like extreme fatigue.
It feels like you haven't slept in weeks. It doesn't matter if you went to bed a 6:00PM the night before and slept in until noon. You're tired. You're weak. Nothing helps. I hate that.
It makes it hard to advance in your career, keep friendships, accomplish your goals, keep your body healthy and active, stay on top of your household needs... the list goes on and on. It's extremely disheartening to feel so out of control. Things become easily overwhelming because you just don't have the energy to be able to emotionally handle them. It's like, when you're overworked and sleep deprived, even spilling the coffee you just made for yourself can make you roll into a ball and sob convulsively. Because its just too much. Because you're just too tired.
When I am in a depressive episode, everything feels this way. Something that energized me and brought me joy the day before does nothing. If you ask me how I am, the only answer I will have for you is, "I'm tired." Because I am. I am worn out and fatigued and I have nothing left to give.
That, for me, is the worst part of depression. Because I can't fix that. I can fight sadness, I can fight irrationality, I can remind myself whats real and what isn't. But I can't change physical and mental fatigue. There's no solution for that, no way to combat it. It doesn't matter how strong I am, how hard I work, how brave I can be. It doesn't go away.
And all I can do is ride it out until I am me again.
But what about all those wasted days? What about the in-between moments, the mornings when I am not fully able to give my all, no matter how much I prepare for the day or pray or sleep or maintain? What do I do with all those lost days?
I mourn them. That's all you can do. You mourn them, accept them, and move on. You remain grateful for every second that you are alive and breathing and that you survived. And you keep fighting for your joy, through the fatigue and the hopelessness. You keep fighting for your joy.
