In the last few weeks of her life, Katelyn Nicole Davis began a string of journal entries which introduced “Dolly”, a character Katelyn uses to represent herself. Her first journal entry, titled Diary of a Broken Doll introduces basic information about Dolly, including the fact that she would’ve been 13 on the 20th of February 2017. This entry also touches base on Dolly’s struggles with depression. Katelyn explains that she is not a happy or positive person, and doesn’t particularly enjoy the holidays, but not because she “doesn’t like Jesus or anything.” Katelyn also releases a warning to readers that her story might be triggering because it may “go too deep,” and encourages them to stop reading.
Katelyn’s entries continue on various aspects of her life and seem to delve deeper into her life and mental state as they go along—entries continue on her love, who she refers to as “Ben Drowned”, and the pain she endures from having to be away from him. She tells of her attempt to overdose due to this pain. Some believe that Ben was a coping mechanism of sorts for Katelyn, and her “loss” of him in her mind was one of the many things that sent Katelyn over the edge—which reveals a scary truth about her need to escape the reality she was living in.
“Poor Environment” is the title of Katelyn’s third entry, and the most heartbreaking up to its date. This entry reveals dark twists in Katelyn’s family life—ones that specify a certain kind of relationship with her stepfather. This relationship includes physical, mental, and sexual abuse. She goes into detail about a leather belt with studs on it, telling readers how he would make sure she was hit by the studs when he beat her. She describes one encounter where he hit her so hard, her arm began to bleed. She continues to say that “he tried to rape me.” Katelyn tells of his verbal abuse, calling her a whore and sometimes going as far as to encourage her to hang herself. And the abuse didn’t end with her, it continued onto her siblings.
Katelyn’s final post was the most gruesome. The picture included in the post reveals self-inflicted cuts on Katelyn’s thighs. She talks about how she “enjoys” her depression, and that although she is on medication for it, “it doesn’t work too well.” As is the case with most prescriptions pushed at people who suffer with depression. As the entry goes on, Katelyn’s depression evolves into a high-risk suicide as she rants about how disappointed she is in herself for cutting herself again, expressed fear about her mom finding out she’s been harming herself again, and says she can’t do this anymore—she wants to hang herself with a chord or take a knife to her throat.
And she did. On December 30th, Katelyn’s body was found in her backyard; she hung herself. In her final video, she apologizes to her siblings, and to the seldom few she felt she was leaving behind. She apologizes for not being strong, or brave, or courageous enough.
If there was anything I could have said to Katelyn, this would be it:
Sweetheart, listen. You are smart. You are brave. You are beautiful. You are loved. You are stronger than you should’ve needed to be. You are braver than most. Being 12-years-old is a special kind of hell, but yours is so much more real and devastating than you deserve—than anyone deserves. No one has the right to hurt you. No one has the right to abuse your body, or your mind. Your innocence belongs to you. Things won’t be this bad forever. There are people in the world—good people—who will help you. Hold on. Ask for help. Stay strong. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.
