"You are always so nice."
"You are such a strong person."
"How are you always so kind?"
God made me an encourager. I remember taking a spiritual gift test several times in church and always received "encourager/motivator." In fourth grade, I would make cards for the kids that beat me in spelling challenges. Countless times I have dropped what I was doing to drive to friends' apartments to sit through the crying and panic attacks. Don't get me wrong, I love being someone people can count on. But unfortunately, being the nice girl also comes with a lot of people taking advantage of your open arms.
Over the many years, I have simultaneously helped others while building a wall around me that now seems nearly indestructible. I openly listen when people let me in, but it is very rare I allow someone close to me. And if I do, I immediately run away or scare them off before they can leave me. Many times I push people away before they can leave themselves. Because of this, I have often been the "crazy bitch" to people, but it is my defense mechanism. If you don't let people in, they can't hurt you.
My mother this summer picked up on my stubborn heart and sat me down. She looked at me and said, "Elizabeth, you can't be so hard. You have to allow someone to love you eventually. Stop acting like you are so incapable of being cared for." She said all of this after I told her I was going to call it quits with a guy because I was afraid. The situation with the guy ended badly, and part of me believes it was because I pushed him away and showed my paranoia.
Another tricky part of having a wall is dealing with a sudden break in the structure. Sometimes, after being so cold for so long, the floodgates open, and I spill my whole insides to one unlucky soul. And once it starts, it doesn't stop. They learn my whole past and a little more. As soon as the flood is over, I apologize and take cover away from them. It's a vicious cycle.
One positive thing about this is being able to realize I have a hard heart. I am not sure how to fix it or where to begin. Do I believe in love? No. (At least not the sweet, intimate kind) Do I believe in genuine loyalty? Debatable. And honestly, I am looking forward to the day when I am a traveling photographer because I won't have time to get attached to anything.
I obviously have plenty of issues to work through. I have a lot of mental roadblocks to overcome. And I most certainly have a lot of people to forgive and scars to mend. It won't happen overnight, but maybe one day I will be free.
