Let's face it ladies, we have all been there. Aimless hours of swiping and looking for the perfect beard-to eye-to muscle ratio. Only to battle through the depths of Tinder, fighting douche-baggery at every swipe. Tinder has become the "Game of Thrones" of the dating world. I’m just one woman bravely deciphering the many faces of Tinder you will encounter.
1. The “Nice” Guy:
Cute and sensitive, he has at least one profile picture with a dog (men know how we work, dogs are literal boobie magnets). Messages you first and mentions something about the "Gossip Girl" quote you have in your bio. Asks you out in just the right amount of time and you agree because he didn’t ask you for your Snapchat (we all know what that means ladies) within 10 minutes of your first interaction. This guy can be a keeper, but inevitably gets very boring: “So thaaatttt'sss why the 'perfect guy' was on Tinder! He’s actually as boring as a weekend without Netflix.” You casually begin to be “busy” (aka: Swiping on men that probably will treat you less that OK in comparison to nice guy, but will be more thrilling than the drying paint you're currently with) and just “lose touch” because “school got crazy busy and you just aren’t ready for a committed relationship."
2. The “Here Today, Gone Tomorrow”
Handsome guy, spends more time bragging about how much moms love him in his bio than he should. He probably also has at least one frat picture, or a suit picture on his profile (nine of 10 times there is a girl cropped out of the suit pic; don’t worry, they’re just “best friends” who occasionally get naked and wiener joust together). He draws you in with wit and a strong sense of sarcasm. You go on one date, it’s nice. He seems fully engaged. So where does it all go wrong? He brings you back to your place and you kiss him at the door, surely he doesn’t think you’re anything less than a classy lady! You then text him the next day to tell him how fun the night was and that you should do it again sometime. His response: The dreaded “message read,” but no response. You will then go into a week-long state of panic wondering what went wrong, staring at that read receipt hard enough to send it bursting into flames. Was it my armpits? Did I smell? Did I get food in my teeth--OH GOD, was it the salad? Maybe I forgot to shave my legs again? You’ll never know.
3. The “Pusher”
No, I’m not talking about drugs. Although Cady Heron would be proud. I’m talking about the guy who has nothing but shirtless beach pics with other girls. Everything about this guy, including the fact it looks like he hardcore manscapes, makes you want to pass right by him, but then of course you think, “I’m sure he’s a really nice guy? I can change him!” Amirightttt? No, No you’re not. You’re even more incorrect now than you were when you thought that buying the shake weight was a good idea. No amount of exercise jerking off can prepare you for this guy. He asks you on a date for the sole purpose of feeling you up during the saddest scene of the movie. He’s like a lion. He saw your little gazelle-self breaking under the plot of this movie and he pounced. No escape now. You just have to wait for his awkward hand to remove itself from your shirt. A little hidden secret about this guy: He also probably has a micro-peen. At the first chance you have to make a break for it do so, either that or pull the commitment card. You’ll have him running away faster that pre-teen panties drop at a 1D concert.
4. The Creeper
Really nice guy at first. Average profile, nothing screams “I may be an axe murderer and currently want to wear your skin” about his bio. You go on one casual date--it's nice, he pays (what a gentleman), really what more could you want? Then...it happens…you’re casually watching TV when your phone gets more lit up than Wiz Khalifa at his concerts. This boy not only added you on Facebook, he added your mom, cousin, best friend from fifth grade and even took the liberty of commenting on a picture from 2007 you posted when you were getting your braces off. You let this slide; it can’t get worse, can it? Then, he does the unthinkable, he not only double texts when you don’t respond...oh no...he drops the meet-my-parents card. 24 hours after your first date he wants to bring you to his parents’ house. At this point you’re just assuming that’s code name for “get in my basement so I can make a lady suit out of you- that way we are always together.” The best advice, fall off the face of the planet. Unless you’re into the Buffalo Bill thing; if so, pursue him until your heart is content. Just make sure to send me a cute selfie for the milk cartons when you go missing.
5. The “Homie Hopper”
Super cute, fun, really flirty and knows how to be a really chill guy. You start casually seeing each other. It's convenient because he’s local, making travel an insignificant issue. Things are going perfectly smooth...so smooth...a little too smooth. That’s when it happens. On your Snapchat stories. There he is: Casually hugging on three of your sorority sisters. WHAT KIND OF ANIMAL IS THIS?! Where did he come from? What are his motives? You then post in the group chat about your “good find,” just to realize he has moved his way down half of your chapter’s roster. Is he thinking he can get away with this? Pulling one over on me? NOT TODAY, SATAN! Eventually you think of the perfect response to his texts about why you’ve been so distant: “I heard you do butt stuff, like...a lot.” Although to each their own, when he's gotten more ass than a toilet seat, it’s time to take the escape route. You then have the upper ground and are free to slowly escape from the situation before you let this homie hopper skim your rim.
Life and times are hard for us in the digital dating age. Those who are brave enough to swipe until their hands cramp have endured all kinds of tomfoolery. I hope my experiences have saved you some time and the possibility of avoiding a hot mess of a date.
