I am laying on my bed when the first tear falls. Several more fill my eyes and fall in addition quickly after. I grab my extra pillow and give it a tight squeeze as I hold it against my body. Soon after, I feel my stomach drop, and I close my eyes to allow the weight of it feel a little more bearable. Nevertheless, it does not help. In response, I let out loud sobs as I look up to the ceiling. It appears as nothing more than a blur. “Why,” I scream between sobs as if someone was going to answer. “Why me?!”
Welcome to my broken heart.
Almost six months ago to date, I got my heart broken. It was not the first time nor would it be the last. Prior to the breakup, I was dating a guy who was everything I had ever hoped for and more. He was smart, passionate, talented, solemn yet witty, caring, gentle, and kind. Our characteristics were an uncanny, perfect match. In addition, we shared the same beliefs and morals, which led me to believe what we had was special. We, along with our friends, labeled our relationship as “too good to be true.” And for quite some time, it was.
In the beginning of our relationship, it was summer and making things work was easy. We always had long talks into the night, went on adventures, and met each other’s families and friends. Fall came, along with school starting, and we found time on the weekends to spend time together. By winter, our schedules took a turn for the worst. We both had an overcapacity in the classroom, workplaces, and the sport we shared a mutual love for. There was no denying it; finding time to be together became impossible. Just two weeks before Christmas on a sole December night, we mutually called it quits over a very emotional phone call. As I clicked end call, it felt as if we put an end to so much more.
For the next several weeks that followed, I found myself slipping away fast. I became depressed; getting out of bed every morning was a challenge, crying was systematical, weight began to drop from my body, and dreams of losing him all over again were on a continuous loop. All of it felt like a nightmare, a nightmare I could not wake up from. I had my heart broken once before, but this time was different. This time, I could not hate the guy for playing me nor could I confide in anyone about how I truly felt. No one understood. I did not just lose my boyfriend; I lost my best friend, the person who was more like me than anyone else.
Months came and went, yet he never came back. The seasons we planned out never transpired. Birthdays and holidays were spent with others or even alone. Three months after the breakup, all communication between the best friend I ever had withered away until there was nothing left. All time in between was a constant stir of questions that may never be answered. Six months after to date, we would finally run into each other again, and it felt as if we were simply strangers. Strangers with memories of the past, and fond ones at that. Somehow, someone so close felt so far away.
However, this is not meant to be a testimony of sorrow, but instead a story of redemption. I was once told, “It is both a blessing and a curse to feel so very deeply.” And nothing could be more true. Six months after having my heart broken on that emotional December night, I am not afraid to admit that I am far from okay. And that within itself is okay. One lesson I learned lately is I do not need to have everything together at every moment of the day. I am not perfect. I am far from it, and maybe one day, I will embrace it.
To the ones who are going through the same: Hang in there. Heartbreak should not define us, but in the end, be an opportunity to grow. Yes, it is going to hurt along the way. However, good things take time. Remember those godawful growth pains when we experienced as kids? In the end, they allowed us to rise higher and grow stronger. Even though it is hard to see now, I promise both you and me the pain will somehow be worth it.
To the one who broke my heart: I am grateful for the role you played in my life. Though time could not withhold our potential, what we once had was one hell of a ride. In reference to the good times, I thank you. And in reference to the bad, may I never forget the lessons learned. I will remember all of these, always.
And to everyone else, thank you for listening.