Social anxiety is something very close to my heart. It has changed me, ruined me, killed me, made me physically sick, but also helped me grow and learn and become the hard working "trying to talk more" lady I am to this day!
Social anxiety. It's not just being too shy to speak up. It's not just about being too lazy to go out and talk to people. It's not about being "too babyish" by not wanting to talk on the phone. It's about physically and mentally not being able to open your mouth because you are too afraid to put yourself out there. The feeling of thinking, "What do others think of me?" The fear of messing up and making a fool of yourself. Feeling uncomfortable and awkward that you can't bear to talk to someone on the phone. I am not over dramatizing anything here. When you research social anxiety, the internet states, "Social anxiety disorder prevents some 15 million Americans from leading normal social and romantic lives, a new survey finds." How sad is that? This is truly and fully what I feel and have dealt with on a daily basis, as well as the other 15 million Americans who suffer from social anxiety disorder as well. We all deserve to live the best, happiest life we can live! We have to start talking about this! The more we talk about it, the less weird it seems to people. Then the more comforting it is to us who suffer and the more help we can get.
My life is completely affected by social anxiety, and I'm writing this piece because I know a lot of people don't fully understand what it does to you. That's why I'm here to inform some readers about how social anxiety feels and what we deal with on a regular basis. I also want to show others that you are not alone suffering and that you can relate with me.
I have suffered with social anxiety ever since I can remember. I was the shyest kid. In fact, in preschool someone thought I actually couldn't talk at all and was in awe when she finally heard me talk. I was a quiet one. When you're little, it's all innocent. You're dependent. I didn't need to talk anyway. My mom could order my food, my mom can answer the doctors questions for me, my mom can run in the store for me.
Fast forward to high school. It kind of blows my mind that I do not have the nerve to raise my hand and participate in class. There were a few classes in high school where I did not raise my hand to participate once out of the whole entire year. There was no way you can even pay me to put myself out there, through the fear of getting made fun of by someone else. I was honestly convinced that I was an awkward living thing that wasn't good enough and would make a fool out of myself for whatever I did. And watching other people talk and goof off and put themselves out there effortlessly blew my mind as well! I want to be like them. Why aren't they scared? Why do they have so much confidence? Little did I know that it all comes from within and I needed a pronto remodeling in my mind.
There are certain situations we need to deal with.
The 13-lettered word that is a living nightmare: Presentations. Shaking, hyperventilating, shortness of breath, talking, and running out of breath so you do a weird break in the middle of your sentence to fix your dry mouth. Holding your paper while shaking. It might of seemed like I was keeping my cool on the outside, but inside it was a suffering hell. I remember sitting at my desk senior year and I would bite the inside of my lip or my cheek until it bled. I was going insane. Feeling my heart beat out of my chest (literally you can see my chest move with rapid heartbeats). And this is all over a three minute presentation where I only have to present a few sentences. Reading this seems like a dramatic overwhelming situation and other people might think there's no way in hell that we get so worked up before something so small but I promise you, social anxiety is so serious and it makes a small situation into an over dramatic shit show.
Now what about phone calls? I have been told, "OK, how old are you now?" "You're going to have to learn to start calling and doing things on your own now." I know I do! I want to do things on my own, trust me! It's not me who chooses to have social anxiety. We don't know why we can't put ourselves in these situations to do the daily tasks, answering or calling people, talking to strangers, being in a group of people, etc. Making me feel crappy about my ability to not being able to call makes things even harder! Please be supportive and educate yourself about what is actually happening. It's much more than just not wanting to call somebody.
We want others to know that it's very very hard for us! Here are some more examples we deal with on a daily basis (or maybe it's just me.) If you suffer, I hope you can relate and realize that you're not alone. If you haven't suffered, hopefully you can feel appreciative that you don't have to deal with social anxiety and understand what we feel.
1. Feeling so stupid for being so worked up about the smallest things.
2. Getting even more nervous if another person is watching you socialize with someone. (As someone is talking to me, sometimes I am literally picturing me outside my body talking to them as my focus is completely on the other person, wondering what they think of me. It's a mess. I'm a nerve-wracking mess who gets incredibly awkward around humans.)
3. Automatically thinking they are talking about you when you hear a group laugh.
4. Holding back your sneeze because you don't want to draw attention to yourself.
5. Holding onto your garbage so you save yourself from getting up and having everyone look at you.
6. Hyperventilating before a presentation or participating in a group of people.
7. Always having the fear that someone is going to call you out individually in front of a group.
8. Becoming physically sick and having stomach issues from having a nervous stomach all the time.
9. Choosing to be alone a lot of the time rather than going out, then feeling like a loser for it.
10. Rarely answering phone calls because you feel too scared and awkward to talk on the phone.
11. Having to fully prepare yourself to talk to someone.
12. Being that person who barely talks in a friend group.
13. Wanting to hang with new people but cannot do it for the life of you because you're so nervous and can't stop thinking about it, but you just want to be relaxed and yourself.
14. Staying up all night because tomorrow you know you have to talk/present/etc.
15. Coming off bitchy looking and standoffish when internally you're suffering to the max and trying to calmly breathe.
Please remember, just because it's easy for you to talk in front of a crowd, doesn't mean it is for other people. Just because you have a lot of confidence, doesn't mean we do, too. Please don't be the companion that always questions why we can't just simply talk to others and not be nervous. Guess what? We are all different. We all feel different things. We aren't just weird and awkward, we are actually suffering from unbearable feelings and a real disorder!
My point is that people who suffer from social anxiety deal with a tremendous amount of fear on the daily. The daily easy tasks for some are so hard for others. Please stop forcing people out of their comfort zone, but instead talk to them and comfort them so they slowly can let themselves out of their comfort zone! Don't make fun of someone or put them down because they don't have the ability to do the same socializing as you do.
If you suffer as well, I hope you can relate to my article. Please stop comparing yourself to others. We are all different. We all feel and act differently. You have to accept the fact that there will be other people better at talking than you, that is completely fine! Just because talking isn't our strong suit, doesn't mean we suck at life completely! We are still awesome!
Last thing to take with you, you are not alone. There are a ton of people who suffer. Although there are many who will simply never understand what it's like, that's okay. Please sit down and think of what makes you scared from talking socially. Is it the fear of what others think of you? Is it the fear of how you're going to act? Is it the fear of just putting yourself out there? We are only on this earth once, and we deserve all the love and all the connections we can get! Remember this, fear will always be an option in any situation you have. Anxiety is rooted from fear. You can always choose to feel fearful, timid, and scared, but don't choose that! Once you realize and practice that, you will start to realize that you have full control over how you choose to feel. Of course in the beginning, your body will automatically choose to feel scared and socially anxious because that's what it's used to, but just slowly recognizing your thoughts and feelings is important! Time helps a lot. Finding and creating yourself helps a lot too. I am so comfortable and confident in my skin now. After high school, I dropped all the negativity that was in my head and started my own path. It's an up and down journey but I have so much faith in it. What roots from faith, is love. What roots from love, is confidence. Stay grounded and stay calm. Smiling is the easiest and best communication out there. Take it little by little at a time. It does not matter how slow your journey is to recovering from social anxiety, the only thing that matters is that you don't stop. Some days will be easier than others. Some days will have you recharging your body and mind by staying in bed all day. Other days you will feel on top of your game and so confident in the skin you wear that you will be a social butterfly. I hope the best for you. Keep spreading those wings, butterfly. Much love.
