Here, I will briefly discuss the pros and cons of burning everything in sight. I don’t know about you, but I constantly finding myself wondering if I should burn everything. This article may help ease whatever moral dilemma you may feel.
Pro: Fire is cleansing.
Fire is a universally-recognized symbol of rebirth. If you ever want to start afresh, fire is the best way to start. It levels everything in sight, spreads like a common cold in a college dorm room, and looks really, really cool. And when it finally fizzles out, there’s nothing left but a plane of ash. Best way to start anew.
Con: Arson is currently illegal in most US states and territories.
Sad but true. If you start burning the wrong things, you might get thrown in prison. Arson is the #1 fire-related crime in the world. As a result, punishments are typically harsher than other fire-based crimes, such as overcooking fish, writing awful Catholic worship music, and arson.
Pro: “Arsonist” is a very sexy-sounding word.
Imagine sitting in a club, and a buff, tattooed guy comes up to you and says, in a dep, gravelly voice, “I’m Arsonist.” This could be you. People who commit arson are called arsonists, which is a pretty sick gig. Just say it out loud. There you go. Did you not just feel super-badass? This feeling could be yours for the rest of your life, man!
Con: It will be very hot.
Sadly, fire’s main property is that it emanates heat. Which means that, when there’s a lot of it, it will get very hot. Not only is this uncomfortable, but did you know that fire can destroy things? Who knew? So while you’re watching your house, workplace, or even school get completely leveled, you’re also going to be sweltering in the fiery pit of your own creation. But who cares about that? Mild discomfort, man!
Pro: It will be VERY hot.
Imagine, standing alone in a tempest of hellfire. Sweat pours from your body, dampens your clothes so they stick to your skin. The audience can see every breath, every curve of your body. (Pro-tip: Wear white!) You could be this Hollywood-level sexy. (Disclaimer: Not for all body types, ages, or genders.)
Con: Public opinion is a thing that exists.
Of course, while you burn everything, you also have to deal with other people. Others may not take so kindly to your holy cleansing fire. They may gripe that you “destroyed their house” or “murdered their nanna” or some stupid silly thing. People are petty, and if you burn everything they own, they’re going to act upon this pettiness and hold it against you for the rest of your life.
Con: Pyromania is one step from Catholicism.
This is fairly self-explanatory. Pyros love fire. Catholics worship fire.
Pro: You get to burn to death!
The world sucks. College debt is a thing. Trump might be elected president. Should probably just end it all here, man.
And that’s our thrilling conclusion! Come back next time when I discuss the pros and cons of public urination! Stay tuned!
