There’s a note in my phone that stands as one of the simplest pieces of writing I’ve ever put myself to. It reads, “August 17th” and by doing so tells all it will ever need to tell me. August 17th was supposed to be the last day I went to therapy before leaving for college. The “supposed to be” should be a hint to a fact that things didn’t work out. Despite an otherwise quite clean record of attendance I completely forgot about my last day which makes August 10th the last day I actually went. A long story short, I was incredibly disappointed with myself at the time this happened. Loud swearing ensued.
While I was going to therapy it was a big help to my various struggles. After being diagnosed as having General Anxiety Disorder, it became an essential factor in my plan to regularly attend. Yet after that last and dreadful miss I haven’t gone, despite my college supplying a well-reviewed and free option.
Now let me make it clear that I’m not about to advocate the outright dismissal of therapy for those suggested it; in fact I endorse the use of therapy more than just about anything else in life. The therapy I did go through was a major stabilizer in an otherwise very unstable time and those in far worse situations than me often find it to be a life saver.
However, after roughly eight months of therapy with a talented therapist I find myself completely disinterested in further attendance. I’ve often had discussions with friends in which I utter the phrase, “Yeah I’ll probably trying going next week or something.” I never go. I rarely think about it after typing those words.
I don’t have a clear explanation for this sudden lack of desire but I think it’s worth saying that it’s paired with a decline in need for that help. There’s something strange and yet healthy about moving away from a place. The clean slate your handed can go further than most people assume.
I’m writing this because that note started as a point of tension and negativity. It was a reminder of a simple yet important failure for me. Now it represents something else. It represents growth. It represents a development in my ability to handle my own situation, something I hardly expected when this journey began.
Perhaps my goal here is to say this: There can be a hundred ways to deal with a problem. That’s just how things are these days, but the thing that’s more important than finding one single thing and sticking to it is to understand the fluidity of solution.
While sticking to one path may bring comfort for some time it can also create a feeling of imprisonment or reliance. It takes the joy and purity of improvement and turns into yet another inescapable corner. Let yourself explore. Let yourself find different ways of going through life. There’s a note in my phone that says “August 17th” because I found community and in it found a new path.
