Breaking up sucks. It’s one of the hardest things a person can go through, I think, whether you were broken up with or ended the relationship yourself. There’s the pain of missing your ex, of feeling lonely, and feeling unwanted or unworthy.
One of the hardest things about a relationship ending is all the things left unsaid. I’m familiar with the feeling of wanting “closure,” or wanting to feel that the loose ends in your relationship have been tied up, and no questions are left unasked.
Last year, I went through a really painful breakup. There were cruel words spoken and feelings of betrayal and heartbreak on both sides. I felt absolutely no closure, because the opportunity for an honest conversation was unfortunately not possible for some time. I kept seeking ways to find this elusive closure, through letter writing, meditation, and talking to friends, but I kept coming up empty. Even when we finally were able to talk some things through, I still felt like so much was unsaid and that hurt and resentment remained on my mind and in my heart.
What I learned through this process is that, as appealing as “closure” is, it simply doesn’t exist. You will always have questions remaining. You will never fully understand your ex’s perspective, and they’ll never fully understand yours. You will always have things that you want to say and resentment that you want to express. No breakup is as perfect, and believing that you can find some absolute closure will just leave you disappointed and unfulfilled.
After a breakup, instead of searching for peace in the other person, look for it in yourself. Attempting repeated meetings with your ex where you both try to talk out your situation and feelings might seem helpful at the time, but it’s exhausting and, in my opinion, can draw out the pain of the heartbreak even further. Accepting that you’ll never find true closure, and that there’s nothing wrong with that, is so freeing, and allows for healing so much more fluidly than searching for absolution ever will.
I do feel a sense of closure from my breakup—but not through interactions that my ex and I have had. I’ve found it through accepting both of our failures in the relationship and knowing that I’ll never fully understand what happened between us. I still have moments of anger and hurt, but most of the time I feel peace towards what happened, and hope towards the future for both of us, separately.
Closure with another person might be a myth, but finding peace towards your past relationship isn’t. And shouldn’t that be the goal, anyway?
