The story always starts off the same way - you meet a charming stranger at work, or at the bar or on Tinder, and it’s a seemingly instant connection. You’re drawn to each other, and maybe you aren’t quite sure why, but every time you guys talk you’re left wanting more. Before you know it, you’re talking all day everyday and you’re seeing each other as much as possible. Then, suddenly, you’re in a real live relationship. And everything about it is so good.

Until, all of a sudden, it isn’t so good anymore. Maybe one person really hurt the other, or maybe the spark you both thought you felt in the beginning sizzled out. No matter how it ended, you’re left feeling the same way: alone, confused, lost, and perhaps worst of all, sad. The sadness begins much faster than anything else, and most of the time it hangs around the longest too. Breakups tend to feel like the end of the world, and in a sense, they are. Your world is different now, and the future you may have been thinking about has suffered a serious plot twist as well. Some of the classic advice you’ll hear is “it’s just the beginning of your next chapter,” or “good things fall apart so that better things can fall together,” but you can’t just jump right into thinking about your “next chapter.” You can’t have a rainbow without a little rain, and you can’t experience true happiness unless you spend some time dealing with your sadness here and there. So the first step in this breakup guide is to let yourself feel.

Letting yourself feel every fiber of every emotion taking over your mind is essential to moving on. You don’t have to “stay strong” and there’s no such thing as being “too pretty not to be smiling.” If you want to cry, cry. If you want to sit alone in your room in the dark, eating carton after carton of Ben & Jerry’s while watching He’s Just Not That Into You on repeat, don’t let anybody tell you not to. If you want to drive around at all hours of the night cry-singing Marvin’s Room, don’t let anybody tell you not to (although I will not condone Drake-ing & driving). My point is, let yourself feel. Feel everything until you’re so overwhelmed by your own feelings, you fall asleep. Because when you wake up in the morning, it’ll be a little bit easier.

And the day after that, it’ll be a little easier still. Each day you wake up, you will begin to feel better. The day after you and your significant other part ways, you’ll feel broken. The day following that, you’ll still be broken, but a little less broken. Like a shattered piggy bank covered in bandaids and scotch tape. Hold onto that feeling, keep looking forward to moving forward, and each day you’ll wake up with a little more tape and a few less cracks.

Another very important thing to remember is that most times, a relationship only ends once. We’ve all seen (or been) the couple that breaks up and gets back together all the time. This is a vicious cycle that I believe needs to be outlawed. After a break up, the feeling of solidarity is gone. You’ll never feel 100% certain that that person won’t leave you again, and vice versa. That’s no way to feel. You deserve somebody who can’t imagine their lives without you, and somebody you couldn’t imagine ever leaving, all wrapped up into one person. If you’re always breaking up, where do you find the time to love each other?

Whether you were the one who did the breaking up or you were on the receiving end, it’s important to remember to love yourself. Forgive yourself for hurting somebody, and bonus points if you can someday forgive somebody for hurting you. Love yourself no matter what the situation.
And last but not least, surround yourself with the things you love. Make sure yourself is one of those things. Spend time with your friends and family, soak up some sunshine, bask in the upcoming beautiful Fall weather, eat a carton of ice cream, pet a million dogs, nap as long as you’d like, read a book, drink some tea, spike your tea with vodka, post a bomb selfie & let your Instagram followers replenish your self-esteem, do whatever it takes to make yourself smile. As soon as you learn that you can smile on your own, I promise you’ll end up doing a lot more of it.