Since I was in high school, I have dealt with severe depression and anxiety. Like many know, having diseases like these, come in swings. When I moved away to college, my sickness got drastically worse. I had to live with seven other girls that were several years younger than me and chose to deal with a cheating boyfriend. No one I lived with or interacted with on a daily basis understood my sickness. It is like a recurring flu or cold, you have no control. People saw this as me being overly emotional, they saw it as me being soft and weak. They saw my not being able to get out of bed as me being rude and not wanting to hang out with them. Dealing with this for eight months took a huge tool on me, eventually it was summer break and I thought all was well in the world again.
And everything was, I went several months without a panic attack, something that hadn’t happened since I could remember. Then, in January, my life came tumbling down, although traumatic, it also taught me a great deal. I was admitted to the hospital with basically a mental breakdown. Growing up, I was always told that suicide was selfish, people not only killed themselves, but also the people that they did not believe loved them. That day, was a blur, I can remember from the beginning of my attack, and waking up in a hospital bed in the mental unit with a campus police officer sitting next to me.
For everyone going through this, I hope you can realize that you are not alone. Everyday someone goes through this, they just may not have a village behind them like I did. You should NEVER feel alone, someone always cares about you, whether you believe it or not.
Fear
The feeling you have when you get admitted to a mental wing is terrifying. You say, why am I here, I am not sick. I had a little breakdown, it happens. But it doesn’t, people who are not sick don’t wish for death. They don’t have that empty feeling, the feeling of nothing. Rooms in the mental unit, are not as you may think they would be, I mean I just threatened to kill myself, I want to see rainbows and butterflies. Well that was the exact opposite, it is like you are in prison. First thing you do is strip and get put in paper scrubs, not cloth, literally paper. Someone is constantly with you, from changing to going to the bathroom. Then the rooms, you have a small bed, which is expected. You have cameras on you from all angles, there was a little toilet you could use. Even the blankets were thin, and as I was sitting there, I realized it was so everything would rip if you decided to hurt yourself. Wake up call number one.
Wake Up
There comes a point in this experience when you realize everything that has happened to you, you wake up. All of the sudden you realize where you are and why you are there. This happened to me when the man in the next room had a serious mental breakdown, made mine look like a toddler throwing a fit because they couldn't wear two different shoes to school. Nothing in my life was more terrifying that than moment. As I laid there, in a room by myself, I hear a man screaming and fighting off the hospital security guards. Then he says “there is someone in that other room isn’t there”, and that is when everything clicked in my head. Although he says he did not say he wanted to hurt himself or anyone else, the officers said different. I realized that him and I were not too different after all. Breakdowns should not be measured in size, a breakdown, no matter how "small", should be treated and talked about.
Change
After you wake up from the life you have come to know, you realize something has to change. This doesn’t necessarily mean you, but something in your life is toxic, it is up to you to figure out what that may be. To me, this came on my way to the mental health facility. When you hear that word, you think of strait jackets, people walking around like zombies, people screaming like the man in the hospital. I guess some are like that, but mine was so different. It was colorful, filled with motivational sayings, with people who truly care about you. As I was talking to the different consoler’s, I couldn’t help but feel stupid. How can people I just met make more sense of my life than I can? One of the biggest things I learned there was having to take medication is not a weakness. Some people need a little help, that doesn’t make them lesser than someone else.
How I got to that place, it doesn’t even matter anymore, because I removed those people from my life. That’s really all you can do. You learn who people are through their actions. Toxic people, they make you sick, they are the mold on what could be a perfectly fine slice of bread. When you throw these people away, your life almost immediately is better. At the end of the day, you are all you have. Sure you have people who love you unconditionally, but when you love yourself, when you love yourself more than anything or anyone in your life, everything will fall into place.
I’m not really spiritual, I believe in God, but I don’t believe in what people made religion out to be. But on that day, God said “Brianna, you have to hit rock bottom, but you will come back”. And I did. Was it easy no, I still had days I wanted to sleep and not deal with the world. But my good days are pretty God dang good.
