"I am alone." "I have nobody." "Everyone hates me." "I will never be good enough." These are a few words that anxiety has put in my head hundreds of times a day. Are the evil words true? No, and do I know that they aren’t true, absolutely. But it’s a constant battle between me and my own head.
Picture your own self, your mind, your thoughts, your own reality, being the cause of your unhappiness, being almost unbeatable. Mental illness is indeed just as serious as any other typical illness, I mean it is called mental illness for a reason. It is not a game, not a joke and not something that should be taken lightly.
From the time that you are born to now, you develop friendships, bonds, and connect with people on different kinds of levels. From your first best friend to your first boyfriend, it can all be so very exciting. Now, for a normal person, this is just enough to make them content with the life they are living. But for me, for anxiety, it will never be that simple. The constant voice in your head telling you-you are doing something wrong, the constant feeling that things aren’t okay, that wall that you build up to avoid yourself from any pain that may or may not come.
It all gets too overwhelming then bam, you're sad, you shut down, you start to feel sorry for yourself. Your friends will not understand why you have decided to stay in your room on a Saturday night instead of going out like you usually do, or why you decided to not eat rather than joining your closest friends at the campus dining hall.
All because you are avoiding one thing, one thing that cannot be touched, looked at, or even understood fully. Not even the person dealing with it knows, there is just this knot in their stomach, overwhelming words in their head telling them things aren’t right, to the point where they would just rather sit alone and let their thoughts consume them.
This is all normal to me, but your friends, the people who love you, they are concerned about you. They want to understand but don’t, they can’t even fathom that yourself is your own issue so they spend countless hours by your side trying to get you to share your feelings, but you can't begin to explain. They don’t understand that you don’t even understand, they don’t get why you go through what you do, so much where they start to give up, they start to realize that because you are so against yourself, that they are now against you too. This isn’t their fault, or even yours for that matter, but who can wrap their head around a problem with almost no solution
You are not alone. I feel it, people you don’t even expect to feel it, feel it too. People say that the ones who seem the most confident and happy are the ones who are hurting and feel the most alone inside. But I’m here to tell you, as a victim suffering from anxiety, that you are not alone. People may not understand, and that is okay. Anxiety is something that can be manageable, and in even worse cases only tolerated with some kinds of medication.
It is very important to be open and okay with talking about your mental illness, because when you are aware of such things, then you are more likely to realize they are happening and try to put a stop to them. This is something you feel coming on, you feel the uneasy feeling starting to creep up, you start to hear the voices, and you start to feel empty.
Recognize these, recognize what you do, what you say, and how you feel when this is all happening, then do the opposite. If you are left wondering why nobody wants you around, start to change your train of thought into why everybody does want you around. List things you like about yourself or even list 5 people that you know you could go to at this moment. Anything positive helps tackle the negativity that is going on throughout your body.
One last thing, you are loved, you are beautiful, and you are more than your mental illness. You have not lost your battle, anxiety is not the winner. This is only making you a stronger day by day. You cannot be beaten.
