So, you got dumped. I've been there and am there, the guy next to you wearing the tribal socks with his Birkenstocks has been there, and so has the girl who looks like a Sports Illustrated model. We've all been there and somehow have all found a way to keep on living.
You feel like your world is over, and truthfully, it kind of is. Let that sink in. The world that you once knew is over because the life you once lived has ended.
For me, it was a guy that consumed my life for 2 and half months, such a long time, I know. By consumed, I mean took over. One day I looked up and I didn't even realize it had happened. He had a lot of his stuff at my place and food in my fridge, I was losing friends left and right all while trying to cope with the hurtful things he would say to me.
I was drowning, and I couldn't find the light. My friends would try to help me, but I would get angry at them for speaking about me and my situation behind my back. I was becoming someone I didn't recognize, and then it finally began to make sense. How someone feels about themselves is how they will treat you. He was insecure and put that on me. I was angry at myself for not having the strength to leave this toxic situation, and, in return, I suffered after taking it out on people who didn’t deserve it. But in the end, I grew.
But, how can something so beautiful be so terrible for you? I guess that's what Eve said to the apple, and for the last time, I have tasted the forbidden fruit.
After a breakup,
- Tell your close friends. In my situation, I was lucky enough to move next door to mine. They'll check on you and remind you of everything in the world that you deserve. If you are a girl, talk to your guy friends. They will make you feel like the most incredible person in the world because you are.
- Call them to get their stuff. The longer you hold onto their stuff, the worse it's going to be. Use the "out of sight, out of mind" logic here. Be strong enough not to cry into his sweatshirt as you watch the 30th episode of Baby Daddy. You're not going to want to wash his clothes after because they are tear-soaked and ice cream stained. Trust me, it's not worth putting that level of care into a dead situation.
- Let them know how much they meant to you. This is probably the hardest one. Why show more love to a person that broke you after sucking the life out of you? Because your momma raised you right, and life is short. Who knows what could happen, so let them know how they impacted your life before you can't anymore. Kill them with kindness, and it's more for you than it is for them. Just mean what you say. If not, it would have been a waste.
- Go home. In college, it's harder to pick up and go, especially if you live far away. But if you get the chance, go. Surround yourself with some unconditional love and support. Surround yourself with people who truly want the best for you. When they ask what happened, start from the beginning. Let them know all the facts, not just the most recent ones or the alternative ones. Talk about the time he said you went from a 10 to a 9 because you gained weight and the time drunk you kissed someone else. It's all important as you figure out what to do next and how to grow.
- Block them/delete their number/do what you have to do. Give yourself time to grieve. You lost someone important to you, and it hurts. Bringing us to the next step…
- Cry. Cry a freaking river and sulk. Feel it, but you don't get to forever. The longer you sulk the worse it gets. Trust me, it will get worse before it gets better. As Harriet Tubman told the slaves as they were having second thoughts about returning to their oppressors on the Underground Railroad, "Go forward or die." And friends, that's what I'm saying to you. Don't give them that power, not again.
- Evaluate your role in everything that happened. It's easy to blame them for everything, but you played some role in this, too. Truthfully, I should have ended things with my ex before they began. There were red flags popping up everywhere, but I ignored them. Who doesn't enjoy the hue of rose colored glasses? But know, the end of a relationship takes 2 people. You both made mistakes that got you to this point. What were yours?
- Be mindful and thankful for the lessons. As you evaluate what went wrong, see how you can use those situations to better yourself for your next partner. You will move on to someone else, it may not be as quickly as them, but, honey, you will. Take some time to reflect and heal. The more wounds you let your heart take, the heavier it becomes.
- Think of ways you used them, too. A guy friend told me this after I expressed to him how used I felt. He reminded me that in some ways, I used him, too. Think of some ways, they'll come to you a lot easier than you think.
- Occupy yourself. I lost myself dating him, so now I'm trying to find myself again. So, do stuff you used to do all of the time. For me, it's writing, watching rugby, dancing, and reading. Revisit the things you didn't have time for, and you'll realize how much you've been missing out on.
- If you can, make amends. When your heart is ready, extend friendship. Once again, it's for you and not them. At some point in time, you both meant a lot to each other. And who knows, you may be better friends than you are lovers. But know what opening up that door leads to. Only do this when your heart is ready.
Life is short, y'all. You gotta keep on living. Your person is out there. Thank God or whomever you praise that things ended when they did. They opened up the door for someone better to walk into your life that actually appreciates you.
Oh, and there's one more thing…
12. Love yourself with the love and patience you give everyone else. It makes a world of difference.