To those who criticized me: thank you.
To those who treated me poorly: thank you.
To those who shattered my heart: thank you.
With all that I am, and with joy & gladness, I genuinely, truly, thank you.
It’s amazing how sometimes, that light at the end of the tunnel can seem to disappear in an instant. Or perhaps what is even more amazing is how you suddenly find yourself in the tunnel.
I’ve had my ups and downs. Of course, everyone has, to certain degrees. A number of my downs have been pretty unbearable. Perhaps they wouldn’t be to you, but to me, a handful of them were crippling. And yet because of them, I have grown. I have changed. I am more aware of my faults and shortcomings...and I am more aware of my need for Christ.
Words. Aren’t they absolutely incredible? Doesn’t it boggle your mind how a simple sound generated from someone’s vocal chords, shaped with the tongue, lips, and teeth, can change a person’s life? A simple “YES!” from a woman’s mouth can suddenly create more intimacy between her and the man with a ring in his hand, kneeling before her. The scream for “HELP!” can quite literally save a person’s very life. Words are amazing. Words have power. And words can hurt. Sometimes I get the sensation that someone has plunged a knife into my heart when some vicious remarks are shoved in my face. It can be downright embarrassing to confess that someone’s words have, at one point, caused one’s world to come crashing down around them. But we shouldn’t be too surprised. Words have great power. And by receiving hurtful words or hearing things that were hard to take, I’ve learned to try and better myself from them (sometimes the truth is painful!), and I’ve learned how to walk more humbly and to love with deeper compassion.
Used. Doesn’t that just sound..terrible? I mean, maybe not in all instances (looking at you, thrift shops). But besides that. Used. Doesn’t it sound so sad? Worn out? For me, I even almost associate it with garbage. Probably because when something is all used up, it’s thrown away. Some people have the desire to love, serve, and pour out all that they have to offer, but unfortunately those wonderful selfless actions can be abused by others. I think one of the biggest grey areas in life is deciding the difference between use and abuse. Now, there are some obvious telltale signs associated with verbal, sexual, and emotional abuse, but I do honestly think sometimes it’s hard to decide when someone has crossed the line in..well..any sort of relationship. Quite frankly, not all relationships or friendships will go swimmingly. There are going to be some times of friction. At times, you are going to need to direct all of your attention and support to friends who are hurting and struggling, and at other times they will probably have to do the same for you. ..Probably. This is where things already start to get confusing and difficult, especially for Christians, I think. Because here’s the deal: not all friendships will be a two way street. As bad as this may sound..I think there are different types of friendships. I mean, a husband and wife like each other more than they like anyone else, so much so that they vowed to spend the rest of their days together until death. I think that level of friendship is quite different from the friendship you have with the same barista you see at Starbucks every morning. (Hm......well, actually.....I mean, they do give you your coffee... Might have to think for a bit on this one.) Point is, the latter “friendship” is nothing like the first. And I believe that there are tons of different types of frindships, just as in Greek there are many different types of love. Sometimes, we will love and befriend those who simply want to use us. They have no intention to return our affection. But you know, even though that might hurt, we must remember that God loves US. God loves me. And I know that I have not even come close to adequitely returning His love. In this way, I think we are called to love, even if it does hurt sometimes. Not to be stupid about it, for sure, but to realize that love isn’t always warm and fuzzy. Sometimes, it’s really hard.
Broken. This word always seems to show up in my writings and in my life. I keep being shown new forms of beauty found in brokenness. Somehow, in that process I am sometimes tenderly connected to nostalgic memories of my childhood. For instance, growing up I slept, breathed, lived everything horse. (I still am crazy in love with them!) But from an early age, I learned about breaking horses. When one breaks a horse, one breaks the horse of his own will, so as to heed the will of his owner. If done correctly, through the process of breaking a horse, the relationship between horse and owner becomes beautifully intimate. The whole thing is extremely complex. In the end, it truly is up to the horse to submit to his owner. When he does, he sees just how much simpler life is. How many times am I the horse, fully confident in my own strength, totally wild and out of control, and how many more times does God show me how much greater and more perfect His ways are than mine! Broken. Yes, my heart has been shattered a million times. Failed relationships. Terrorist attacks. Suicides. Simply, living in this fallen world. And yet somehow the more that my heart breaks, the more whole I feel. Perhaps because all the more I am being filled with His Spirit and am able to feel what He feels when He looks on this earth. Being broken is hard, and it can feel like death. But it is also so beautiful. And because of it, my life has completely changed.
If you asked me eleven months ago to write something like this, I don’t think I could have done it. I was so bitter, confused, and defeated. But it seems as though the more I am broken, the more tender I grow. Things somehow strangely become clearer. I feel more confident, but not in myself: I find confidence in Who God is.
Eleven months ago I would not have been able to say that I was grateful for the hurt in my life.
But now...
I am thankful for the pain.
