Dear B,
Its been a long 6 months since I have seen you last. It hasn’t gotten any easier, if you want me to be honest. It has actually gotten a lot harder. I’m not sure if you will ever see this, but if you do, just know that it isn’t a plea to get you back. It’s actually far from that. It is more a combination of thank you and screw you. I don’t mean to be so hostile, but I’m still hurting because of you. I never got the closure that I needed and I think that’s why I haven’t moved on because I’m still trying to make sense of it all. And let me tell you what, this is the worst pain that I have ever felt. But there are a few things that I would like to say to you.
Thank you for showing me how strong I truly am. You know that when my dad moved away, I fell apart, but I had to be strong for myself. I had to make sure that I was okay and that I didn’t fall behind. If you hadn’t left when you did then I would’ve never had the strength that I do now. I would’ve never stuck up for myself. I would have never worked as hard as I have since you left.
Thank you for showing me what it was like to not only be inlove, but to truly love someone with all that you have. Although things weren’t perfect, I had never been so happy with someone.
Thank you for helping me love myself. I may not have that confidence that I did with you anymore, but because of you, I have at least felt what it is like.
Thank you for making me a better version of myself. If you hadn’t left, I wouldn’t have realized that I do not deserve to be treated like some object. I do not deserve to be lied to. I do NOT deserve to be put down. I am beautiful, and funny, and smart, and I am worth so much more than what I thought.
I know that I am not happy, nor do I love myself, but I am strong, that is for sure. This letter to you is what’s giving me closure. I don’t want the excuses and ridiculous lies. Starting here, right now, everything is going to change. I’m done waiting and hoping that you come back, because I know that you won’t and I am completely okay with that. I’m done falling apart when I come across pictures of us because they no longer mean anything to me. I am done crying myself to sleep trying to figure out what happened and why you left because I no longer care. I am done wishing you would love me again because I am going to love myself. I am done loving you and I am done missing you because it is just a waste of time and energy. Starting right now, I am going to be happy because I deserve that. I deserve to love myself for everything that I am and everything I am going to be. I deserve to be able to sleep at night without missing someone who never missed me. I deserve to know my worth day in and day out. I deserve better than this pain, better than the love you could have ever given me. Today, I know this. All of this. And I am happy for the first time in 6 months. So, thank you.
- H.
