Dear You,
It’s been over a month since we have spoken, but I just wanted to say thank you; thank you for showing me that you have to be broken in order to heal. You were such an important part of my life, and I honestly could not have imagined my life without you in it, but I know that ending what we had was the smartest decision either one of us could have made.
It is amazing to me how words, not even spoken, but written, can be so hurtful. I have everything you ever sent to me; it is all saved on my phone. Before things got bad, I would go through our texts, and our pictures, and I would smile and laugh. When things started getting bad that changed. I would go through everything and cry. After all, a person can only be told how awful they are so many times before they start to believe it. I would read every word you sent to me over and over, and I slowly started to believe everything you were saying about me. I started to believe that everything was my fault and that none of my friends liked the real me because that is what you were telling me.
People say to forgive and forget, but that is really hard to do with some of the things that you said to me. It seemed like nothing I ever did for you was enough; I never felt like enough for you. You would tell me that I was everything you wanted, but then days later you would tell me that I was a selfish b***h, or you would get upset with me over the smallest things. I would have done absolutely anything for you, and I know that you know that. I used to text your mom and tell her I was coming over to surprise you. I would send you small, random gifts or cards in the mail just to make you smile or to make your day a little brighter. It was obvious to everyone how important you were to me. I just want to say that I’m sorry I didn’t make it as obvious to you.
On the last voicemail you sent me on Oct. 5, 2015, you told me that you would give me the space that I needed. All I needed was time to heal; heal from what had happened during senior year, over the summer and at the beginning of my time here at High Point. You never gave me that; and that’s what I really needed. I feel like you expected me to just move on and act like everything was OK. Well, everything was not OK. You know that I had not been happy in very long time and all I needed was you to be there for me and to support me. You wanted me to be happy when I was with you. You told me that I needed to be happy when I was with you. When you told me this, it made me feel like you didn’t care about my true feelings. I was faking my happiness when I was with everyone else, as you know, and I thought you were my safe place. I didn’t think I had to pretend with you.
I will say that I miss calling you to tell you about the funny things that happened during my day, and I miss hearing the same from you. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about you. I still come across our pictures every few days, but I don’t cry when I see them anymore. I’m not sure if I realized this before I wrote this, or while I was writing it, but I know that I don’t have any anger or resentment towards you. I truly believe that everything that happened between us happened for a reason. I think that we both needed this to happen in order for us to grow. I know for a fact that I would not be the person I am right now without having that experience in my life, so thank you. Thank you for breaking me.
Oddly enough, I also want to say thank you for everything that was said because it has taught me to be stronger. Everything that we went through over the past year has changed me significantly. I will never be able to go back to the person I was before, but that’s OK because not only do I like who I am now, I am extremely proud of the person I am becoming.
You said that all you ever wanted for me was happiness, so I just want to let you know that I am happy now. I have honestly never been happier in my life. I sometimes still wish that you could be a part of my life and I wish that I could share with you all of the amazing experiences that I have had. I will miss you, but I know in my heart that it is for the best, for both of us, that we went our separate ways. You will always be in my heart, and I will always be grateful for the time we spent together and all the memories that we have. I hope that maybe five years from now we can sit down and talk about everything once we both have lived our lives separately from one another.
Until then,
Caiti
