To The Guy Who Left Me Behind,
She doesn’t really look anything like me. Her eyes are big and brown, her teeth nicely straight. There are freckles dotting her cheeks and nose and her skin is tan. She does have brown hair like me, though that’s unsurprising. You always liked brunettes best. The way she looks at you – as if she’s done it a thousand times or at the very least intends to do so for a while – leads to me believe that this isn’t the first time she’s laid on your chest like that. When I saw those two pictures of you and her, my stomach dropped. Is she the reason why you gave up on me? Is she why you lost your patience with me, why after six years you decided I wasn’t enough for you anymore?
We always do this. We love, we fight, we don’t talk for a while, and then the cycle starts over. Sometimes we date other people in the spaces between, but not always. I don’t know what you’re thinking, but I’m thinking that this time will be the last time. I can’t keep pausing and resuming my life for you. I’m going to move on this time, I swear. I won’t come crawling back to you begging for forgiveness like I always do. I won’t answer you when you text me a long apology for overreacting.
What you probably don’t understand is that I love you. I loved you then, I love you now, and I’ll love you in the future. There was a time where I honestly thought I would spend the rest of my life with you. I know that this time was the last time. But I’m still having such a hard time letting you go.
We grew up together. We shared every milestone. We had the same friends, my family adored you and yours loved me too, we even did the same sports. I’ve loved you since I was 13 years old, and that’s something that’s more than difficult to let go of. I’m sorry I was indecisive, even after all this time. I’m sorry that I didn’t give you as much attention as you deserve, even though I love you with every fiber of my being.
But it wasn’t all my fault. You were impatient, and you wouldn’t compromise. You didn’t listen when I told you I couldn’t and why—you just wanted what you wanted and didn’t take my feelings into consideration. You jumped to conclusions and you didn’t respect my privacy. You said you loved me but found some way to make me feel bad every day. That’s not how it always was with us of course, but the past year ruined us.
We’re different people. We want different things. You want a big house and a big family in the country and I want to share a studio in a big city with the love of my life (and maybe a dog). You love affection and attention and I love differently—with words and actions instead of showering you with affection. You want to find someone to spend the rest of your life with right now, while I still want to explore and spend more time with myself.
It was probably doomed from the beginning, but I really enjoyed the ride. Letting go of you is always going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But now that we’re going our separate ways, I’m off to find adventure. I’m going to learn and I’m going to grow and I’m going to learn to love myself the way I am. I’m going to do the things I want because I want to do them. Even though my heart shattered when you told me “I’ve been trying to make us work for six years. If it isn’t right now after six years it never will be,” I WILL find someone who thinks I’m worth it. I will find someone who values me and doesn’t take me for granted, someone who is patient with me, someone who will wait for me. I’m going to find someone who loves all of my quirks and understands that I like to be quiet sometimes. Even though you left me and it feels like I’m ripped into a million pieces, some day someone will come along and put all my pieces back again. I will be loved again.
I love you with all my heart and I only wish the very best for you. I had the time of my life with you, but it’s time for me to move on. I won’t be here waiting the next time you want me back; I’ve got a lot of living to do.
Sincerely,
The Girl Who’s Learning To Live Without You
