The one thing I hate most about living with anxiety is not being able to turn it on and off like a light switch. The brain is where psychological disorders are created, but it is not easily fixable nor controllable. Living with anxiety constantly feels like I am at war with myself, and the lack of domination is antagonizing. I consistently persuade myself into believing that it is normal to have irrational thoughts, expect the unthinkable, over analyze and continuously worry, but I guess it's not so normal after all.
School has been a struggle from time to time. I have always been book smart, but tests were never my friend. No matter how many all-nighters I would pull, my test results were not a reflection of the countless hours I spent preparing for the exam. It was dreadful sitting through lectures. My lack of focus kept me from paying attention, my mind would constantly race and the inability to sit still was an annoyance. And public speaking has been, and always will be, my enemy.
Dating was never easy, either. I envisioned myself being this "perfect" girlfriend one day, but anxiety kept me from being even close to that image. Constantly needing reassurance is stressful, and over thinking a simple sentence is exasperating. It is so frustrating to have others tell me that I overthink situations because overthinking is an aspect that I cannot control. Anxiety has caused me to be that way. The fear of being alone is terrifying, yet I am used to being alone. More importantly, self-esteem is a battle in itself. I do not enjoy comparing myself to others and it took me awhile to understand my self-worth. I realized that the imperfection of anxiety should only allow someone to love and appreciate me even more.
Living with anxiety becomes a chore at times. It is so exhausting worrying about things that I cannot control. My mind will race and I will worry about so many instances, and for one second I will forget what I was worrying about, and then automatically start again. My patience is nonexistent. I find myself getting irritated quickly, yet I lack emotion. I feel like two, totally different people. Sometimes I do not care about anything, but other times, I care too much. Panic attacks arrive at the most random times. An attack could happen over going to the doctor or a bad grade on a test. The feeling is overwhelming because sometimes I just do not what to do or forget who I am.
I finally snapped back into reality and realized that I needed help. I hate even saying that I needed help because I am one to do things on my own, but I could not do it alone anymore. Honestly, it was the best decision I have made in a long time. I am finding myself and feeling back to normal. I feel like me again.
For those of you with anxiety, just know you aren't different from any others. You are normal even though your brain tells you otherwise. Even though I do not enjoy living with a mental disorder, anxiety has shaped me into who I am today. I am stronger, braver and more independent because of it. I decided to not allow anxiety to take control of me. I am taking control of it. It is okay to admit that you cannot do it alone because we all need a little help at times.
Get back to being you. I promise it is worth it.
