Relationships in your twenties are supposed to be what makes the memories that you cherish for the rest of your life.
It’s supposed to be meeting the love of your life in the last place you ever thought you’d look.
It’s supposed to be having someone to go to Waffle House with at two in the morning when you’re too stressed to sleep.
It’s supposed to be the pictures you put in photo albums to show your grandkids, making plans too big for the future without caring, and having a love that rivals Noah and Allie straight out of your late night Notebook screenings.
But sometimes, it’s not.
In your twenties, your family is supposed to be your backbone.
They’re supposed to catch you when you fall.
They’re supposed to be the first people you call when you realize that this whole “college” thing isn’t as easy as it looks, and they’re supposed to be the people who celebrate when your struggles turn into successes.
But sometimes, they’re not.
Instead, the love you should be feeling from those who matter most turns heavy. It’s guilt trips that last long enough to take you to the moon, or sharp quips of the tongue that dig at your deepest insecurities, or the loud crack of a fist or palm making contact with your cheek. It’s the surreality of it all—thinking, “Is this even happening to me?”
Most of all, when the storms finally clear, it’s the struggle to understand how the hell you’re ever going to move forward.
The spectrum of domestic abuse is all too prevalent in the lives of college students. Nearly half of college-aged women report experiencing violence within their relationships. In the digital age, that number is growing. Types of abuse have expanded beyond mental, verbal, physical, and emotional—digital and financial abuse have skyrocketed too. It’s not just women, either—one out of every four men are predicted to be physically abused by a partner.
In honor of October being Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I asked these two firsthand witnesses of domestic violence and relationship abuse to share their stories. I've kept them anonymous to protect their privacy.
Class of 2019, 18-Years-Old
Chris* is my boyfriend of three years. We met in high school, and everything went well in those beginning years, but it all changed during our senior year when we started to decide what colleges we wanted to go to. The change in him was dramatic; I want to go into the medical field, so I was considering going up north to study. For him, that was out of the question. I thought he just didn’t want to be far away from me, which I can understand, but when he started to tell me ‘no,’ I realized he was making decisions for me. I’m an adventurous person, and I like to try new things, but he was restricting me. I have to tell him every detail of my life, everything from where I’m going to who I’m with, or he’ll begin to yell at me, call me a liar, tell me that I’m untrustworthy.
I think I first realized that this wasn’t normal when I saw that he wouldn’t comfort me when I started to cry. He would tell me to just ‘stop crying,’ as if I had a choice. He calls me crazy and tells me that I’m ‘not worth it.’ I know that this isn’t normal for a relationship; I want to walk away, but I just can’t. I believe in God, and I believe that God can fix anything no matter what the situation is. So that’s why I stay with him. I know that the Chris I first met is still there, but I'm unsure of how he could've changed so much. When I do come close to breaking up with him, he changes. He tells me it's ok to cry, that he's here for me, and that he won't do it again. This also makes believe that I should stay with him. It's like I like to believe that he's a good person.
I know that Chris isn’t the person for me. In the near future, I see myself being single, and later on, I'm definitely looking towards a healthy relationship with someone else. I see myself with kids, married and just having a great life with someone who makes me feel loved and safe at the same time. I want someone who I can bring home to the parents and say that he's a great person and not have to lie. I want an honest and safe relationship. Once I get that person, I'll be happy.
Mental, verbal, and emotional abuse have been dubbed as some of the most powerful forms of abuse that can occur within a relationship. It’s nearly untraceable—from the outside, you can’t tell it’s happening unless you hear it yourself. There are no bruises left behind, no marks to document, but the scars beneath the surface of the survivor cut deep. As those outside of the relationship, we know what signs to recognize when someone is being physically abused, but why is there a line drawn when it comes to the other kinds of abuse?
Recognizing those signs is more than just essential; it could save a life.
Class of 2018, 20 Years Old
My parents always taught me that fighting was never the answer. That was pretty hypocritical of them. One of the biggest things I remember growing up is my dad pinning my mom against the front door when I was probably 6-years-old. I didn’t really know what was going on, just that, ‘Mommy and Daddy are fighting again.’ As a kid growing up in that environment, it’s tough, because it seemed like the fighting was constantly happening. I also remember my mom throwing things at my dad, like dishes. It was hard to grow up like that.
Now that I’m older, I have been lucky enough not to be affected by domestic violence in my personal relationships, but I’ve had experiences that have made me realize it could happen to anyone. My best friend Zach had seemed like the kind of person who could never hurt a fly—until he hurt me in a personal way. I cut ties with him, but he was still with his girlfriend Jenna at the time. Zach was going to be deployed for the Army, but two nights before he was going to depart, he and Jenna got in a huge fight. Zach ended up pushing Jenna down the stairs, and the police were called. The police wanted to arrest him, but Jenna’s parents thought they could control the situation since he was leaving for Afghanistan in two days. He came back to Jenna’s house after Jenna had posted Tweets about needing a bodyguard to keep him away. He got into the house, and he was very upset. Zach shot Jenna multiple times, dragged her through the house, and put her in the trunk of his car. Someone called the police on him, and he was on the run for hours. Zach even called me at the time, but I was upset from how he had treated me, so I ignored the call. He was later shot by the police and is no longer living.
When I first heard about what had happened, I had seen it on the news. I didn’t even stop to think that it could have been someone I knew. I didn’t realize it was Zach and Jenna until one of my friends called me and told me.
It’s made me realize that if you see those warning signs in your friends’ relationships, don’t sit back. From my experience, I wish I could have done something. This could happen to anyone, and if you sit back and something serious like this happens, you will be left with guilt. I have had guilt for a while, and I’m still always think about the what-ifs. As far as people who are victims of domestic violence, you are brave enough to leave. There are better things out there. They might be a good person most of the time, but if they hurt you once, what makes you think it won’t happen again? Take a stand and be free.
During my conversations with both contributors, I found it interesting that both of them mentioned that they wanted to share their stories to help others. Even if this article only reached one person, they would be satisfied. If you are reading this as a victim of a violent relationship and you don’t know if you should get out of it, these contributors show that you have a system of support waiting for you on the other side. These stories show that a victim is more than just a victim—they’re a survivor.
For more information on domestic violence and how to help, go to http://www.loveisrespect.org/
*[All names have been changed to preserve privacy of the contributors.]
Photos by Libby Jourdan
