“Suicide takes the lives of over 38,000 Americans every year.”
In my small town of rural Missouri, suicide was something you never talked about or sealed with first hand. I personally did not have any experiences with suicide until I was sixteen. Then after that I dealt with it myself as well as losing three students from my school and two more in my sister’s graduating class. All of this happened in the past four years.
I remember the morning clear as day that I found out my baby cousin lost his father. I woke up to his mother screaming and crying. As I frantically ran to the room, she was on the ground in tears. Then I heard the words, “J is gone. He killed himself.” My world beginning spinning, all I could think of was G. I instantly put myself together to go check on G ( he was only 6 years old). He kept asking questions The only thing I could say to him was, “You wanna play Xbox?” The next day, my family along with aunt and younger cousin sat him down to tell him what had happened. “G, daddy was not well on the inside although he was healthy on that outside.” G had shut down and would only discuss his dad with me. This was one of the hardest things my family had to deal with. Everyday is a struggle for my aunt. She does her best to be a mother and father to this now 11 year old. I look at G and all I can see is J in a little body.
I experienced suicide again once I was 18 with a classmate. This classmate was kind, funny, and smart. He never made someone feel left out. My class honestly never saw it coming. We all came together to honor and respect him as much as we possibly could. He will always hold a special place in my heart, forever and always. A couple months later, my community faced another death. Two years younger than I. What an amazing young girl she was. This year, we lost another student. He was smart, loving, and kind. Although these too, I was not close to. They still weigh heavy upon my heart.
I, have had an experience with suicide myself. All started when I was 16. I hated everything about myself. I felt like no one cared about would happen to me. I began to shut down, lock myself in my room, and sit in silence for hours. I looked for love through men who weren't going to give it to me. I was to the point of No return. To the point that I attempted twice but finally got help before my Sophomore year of college. But it didn't get better instantly. In March 2016, I wrote letters to my family because that was the night I was going to do it. I stopped myself once I realized that I was not crying while writing them. I was numb. I decided to give my family the letters although I had done nothing. Now, they know what goes through my mind and how I always feel. To this day, I battle days that I'd rather not be here. I attend therapy once a week and see a psychiatrist every month. With their help I've realized I know I'm meant to help make the world better. I'm here for a reason.
I'm not writing this to make everyone sad. I'm writing this to raise awareness. You honestly never know when/if suicide could affect your community. Be kind, respectful, and humble to all your neighbors, you never know who is struggling emotionally.
To those who are struggling, remember you are never alone. No matter how much your mind tells you no, you do. If you need help reach out, contact local health professionals. It truly helps, I promise.
If you -- or someone you know -- need help, please call 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. If you are outside of the U.S., please visit the International Association for Suicide Prevention for a database of international resources.
