As some of you may or may not know, September is National Suicide Awareness month. Mental health and suicide may not be the easiest topic to talk about, but we absolutely need to have this conversation in our society. Here at UIndy we have something called SOS Workshops, which stands for "secrets of success workshops." This past Wednesday there was an SOS Workshop about suicide prevention that really inspired me to write this article. We heard from a father that lost his young teenage daughter to suicide that day. The whole presentation left me very moved and connected with me on a deep personal level that I just knew I had to write about it. I'm now going to move onto the heavy stuff and it’s going to get a little bit personal. I think this is the best way I can talk about suicide awareness and mental health is to tell you about my own struggles and give you a personal perspective on the topics.
I’ve always dealt with mental health issues my entire life. I’ve had serious social anxiety for as long as I can remember. When I was little this usually got me characterized as shy even though I do really love being around people and connecting with them. I would just end up getting so scared about what people would think about me that I clammed up and didn’t really talk. I also had a lot of trouble making and keeping friends as a child because of this. It really kind of stunted my growth and development when I was younger and even today I still have trouble talking to new people. But I didn’t really start dealing with depression until I was in about middle school.
My sixth grade year my one close friend from elementary school, who seemed like my only friend ended up moving away right before winter break. I was left with next to no one except for one “friend” that was a little more like a bully than a true friend. I still didn’t talk much and losing my best friend made me just that much quieter. I started to pull into myself and stopped participating in most aspects of my life. If I had been very socially anxious before then, now it was ten times worse. I just bottled every thing up and let it simmer, which is the exact opposite of what you want to do.
There were also a lot of struggles at home with my family. My parents were constantly fighting about every little thing and it scared my siblings and I to death. I felt like I couldn't even talk to my own parents because they were so involved with themselves and their own problems. It probably also didn't help that around this time we started to learn that my brother wasn't just ADHD, he was also autistic. So when my parents weren't fighting, they spent all their time focusing on my brother and the new challenges he presented. I felt like my problems were completely ignored and that in turn I was just being ignored because I wasn't important enough in some sick screwed up way. This feeling has never really left me if I'm being honest with myself. I still have a hard time talking to my parents about big issues in my life and I still heavily struggle with feeling like I'll never be good enough.
The one good thing about this time though was the Chicago Blackhawks. My family has always been Chicago fans and as a young kid I had always taken a particular interest in hockey. I'm not sure if it was the fights or just how fast the game was but I always loved watching a hockey game when I could. During this time of my life the Blackhawks were just starting on their way to being a team that could win the Stanley Cup. So I ended up engrossing myself in hockey and watched the Blackhawks to get away from what was my depression at the time. I didn’t realize it back then but do now. I was very lucky the Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup that next summer because I firmly believe they saved my life at that time. But this summer was a completely different story.
This summer after my first full year of college I went to live back at my hometown with my family. At first it seemed really good, I got a job within my first couple weeks of being back and I was getting along with my family just fine. But it only ended up going downhill from there. I started arguing with my parents a lot, specifically my mom, and just feeling awful. My sleep schedule was all sorts of messed up, I wouldn’t see any of my old friends from high school, and I just spent my days either on the couch or in my room watching Youtube and Netflix. Now I was able to realize I was struggling with depression but I didn’t think I was suicidal until about the end of June, early July.
One night, I ended up getting into a really terrible argument with my mom and I felt incredibly worthless after it. Some things had been said that made me feel like all I did was be lazy and not contribute to society at all. So in a vain effort to try and clear my head and feel better I went out for a drive. Where I’m from the city is surrounded by countrysides and that's where I ended up going out and driving because nothing feels better than flying down an open road on a warm, clear, summer night. These countryside roads also had a lot of sharp turns and curves in them once you got right out of the city. When I was driving it popped into my head that if I went fast enough and jerked the wheel to the side hard enough I could flip the car over so I would be crushed underneath and it would be late enough at night that maybe no one would notice I had crashed until I was gone. The thought scared me to death.
I pulled into a high school parking lot that wasn’t too far down the road. I needed to check in with myself that I wasn’t going to do something like that in an unhappy and rash decision made from a deep sense of pain. It was in that moment where I realized I needed some help, but I didn’t feel comfortable talking to my parents because of the stigma that surrounds mental illness and the previous issues from when I was a young adolescent. I’m very lucky that I have an amazing friend back home that was able to keep me here, but I came within inches of taking my own life this summer.
I eventually started to get a little better but still stayed depressed most of the summer. My job wasn't great and my siblings still verbally attacked me until I left. I relied heavily on a friend of mine to vent and get my feelings out because I wasn't able to get help in any other way. We ran into some problems this summer where I was unable to get professional help but having that friend to talk to really made the difference. I'm not entirely sure if I would be here right now if it wasn't for her.
Now the reason I share this story is to try and help others to talk about mental illness and suicide. We need to talk about these issues to get rid of the stigma that surrounds mental illness. There is a suicide every 12 minutes in this country because we treat mental illnesses so poorly. Most of these suicides come from mental illnesses that can be diagnosed but end up going untreated because of either lack of resources or that others are just to afraid to go get the help they need.
There's this problem in our society where we don't admit when we are weak and need help. That's kind of the core issue surrounding mental illness and suicide. People are very afraid of admitting they need help and that results in many people not going for the help they should or even masking their symptoms. Many feel like they become a burden and then become unwanted because of that. I'm here to tell you that you are not a burden. It is so brave and courage to admit that you need help and to go get that help. W should be able to feel comfortable with getting help for mental illnesses. If they go untreated or un-diagnosed things like suicide end up happening because they don't get the care and treatment they need. Mental illness is a lifelong battle, it doesn’t just go away. People need the tools to help treat them and help them stay here with us.
I’m very lucky I didn’t do anything that night. Because for every 4 people like me, there is at least one that will actually go through with it. I got lucky that I was able to go back to college and throw myself into classes, friends, and extra projects to keep my mind from going to those dark places. For me it especially helped going right into football season at our radio station that I work for. It helped me to focus my energy somewhere else that kept me from drifting to that area of my brain where I never feel good enough. But there are going to be a lot of people that aren’t as lucky as I am. On average there are about 40,000 suicides in the United States and it is the 10th leading cause of death in America. For a nation as advanced as we are, those numbers shouldn't be that high. We need to start caring about our people and taking care of them, no matter what the problem is.
I've always found this phrase helpful, "My current situation is not my final destination." Know that you don't have to live with this all by yourself. There are so many resources and people out there just waiting to help you and get you back on your feet. Whatever is wrong right now, is not the end for you. There are so many things left that are just waiting right there on the other side.
I hope this was able to shed some light on why suicide awareness is so important and why this month in general is even more important. We have a problem in our society of making mental illness seem like it isn’t real. And that is not OK. Things like depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and other mental illnesses do exist and are very real. If you think you may need help I have some links below to resources for suicide prevention and depression. Please realize how important this is. For more information visit these two websites:
Text Base Suicide Help Line
